Time again for politicians to pretend they like football

Holding pints of beer, they have no intention of drinking, then wondering when the canapés will be served, politicians will once again feign interest in the plebs. With an election overlapping with the Euros, every party leader will be forced to wear an obligatory England shirt, still with the tags on.

As their police escort clears the room of any real people. they will pose naturally in pubs, in front of a team of press photographers they had coincidentally bumped into. All the while practising the names of their favourite players, like Harry Bellingham, Bobby Shearer and Ian Botham.

One part leader insisted he is an ardent fan, right up until England lose. 'Ever since I started following

Manchester Rovers, I've always been a supporter of ruggerball. Who can forget Gazza's tears when he sung nessun dorma? Or when Geoff Capes scored his World Cup triple? As a die hard Liverpool Red Socks fan, I can safely say 'it's coming home', although I don't know what 'it' is.'

Image: Newsbiscuit

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Tories roll the dice again and legalise Bear Baiting and Cock Fights

Conservatives have once again tried to find a policy that will win back voters confidence by announcing the repeal of the banning of the ancient “entertainment” of Bear Baiting and Cock Fighting.

'Too long have we deprived people of simple British entertainment and stymied the animal fighting industry,' said a party spokesman, 'it’s time we gathered around the television on a Saturday evening and watched a good old fashioned British cock fight.' The massed Tory ranks were vociferous in their vocal, clearly excited support.

Bear-baiting is a sport in which a chained bear and one or more dogs are forced to fight one another. It may also involve pitting the bear against another animal. Cockfighting is a sport involving roosters or cocks, held in a ring called a cockpit where they are encouraged to fight each other, the one remaining being the winner. The variations are endless and Tyson Fury’s representatives have already been contacted to see if he fancies taking on a couple of Bonobos.

;I’m tremendously excited by this announcement,' said one senior minister, 'I have been a cock fight enthusiast for many years and now us closet fans can come out of the shadows and support a regulated, safe (for us) and taxable sport where Britain can be world leaders.'

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