Man U to Replace Players with Dancing Bears

In keeping with the circus-tent appearance of their proposed new stadium, Manchester United have announced that from 2030 they will field a side comprised entirely of dancing bears - in a roar, roar, two formation.

The announcement comes in the wake of part-owner Sir Jim Ratcliffe's scathing denunciation of several current United players. 'Under the infallible leadership of Sir Jim Ratcliffe, Manchester United continue to lean into the coalface of innovative disruption, constantly striving to leverage the thoughtways of stakeholder value enhancement under ever changing contextual architectures,' said a club statement. Calls seeking clarification were not returned.

Gemma, a spokesbear for the Union of Performing Animals, approved of the new initiative. 'We look forward to demonstrating our prowess on the pitch,' she said. 'Humans are small and slow,' Gemma added, 'so we'll eat them for breakfast.' Following the interview a publicist contacted several news outlets, requesting that they not run Gemma's 'arguably ill-advised breakfast reference.'

'Bears are exceedingly large and dangerous animals,' noted Alfred Newman, Professor of Exceedingly Large and Dangerous Animals at the University of Leeds. 'One can easily imagine a scenario where Aston Villa, say, have their entire side eaten within the first five minutes of play,' Newman speculated. 'Villa supporters might then reasonably conclude that they have been deprived of a full 90-minute match for which they have paid a not inconsiderable sum.'

United supporters have greeted the club's proposal with mixed reviews. 'It would beat the hell out of watching fucking Casemiro shamble about,' said one man who asked not to be identified. Emily, 32, worried about the animal cruelty aspects of the proposal. 'I wouldn't make my worst enemy work for the Glazers,' she said. Tony, 76, said he would prefer to see humans on the roster, 'but I'd be ok with the bears making a meal out of City.'

Fears of escalation may yet derail the initiative. Inspired by Gunnersaurus, Arsenal are already considering filling their roster with actual tyrannosaurs. 'The science is still a bit tricky, but we're making progress,' said a club official. The official admitted, however, that playing a starting XI of violent reptiles is 'unlikely to improve' the side's checkered disciplinary record.

Image: WixAI

Fat athletes to compete at the Ozempics

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Man returns to gym on back day

In the funniest thing anyone has ever seen, a man who had his gym membership suspended for upskirt photographing himself returned to the gym on the very day his bro split routine dictated that he work primarily on his back muscles. Thus, he ‘returned’ on ‘back’ day.

‘As soon as I entered, the counter staff burst into laughter and applause. It was an unintentional joke that everyone immediately got. ‘He’s back on back day,’ they shouted, and clapped. But there was an astonishing twist. Though the man reported laughing congenially and good naturedly, it was also with a rueful sense of modestly. For he hadn’t intended the action as a joke.

‘Me returning on back day was a mere coincidence. A f@cking unbelievable one if you like. But that’s all it was. A coincidence. I didn’t intend to be hilarious. I got lucky.’ As a consequence, the man is keeping quiet about the serendipitous nature of events. ‘I’m worried if I tell them that I didn’t make the joke deliberately, they’ll suspend me again.’

The gym has a five-suspensions-and-you’re-barred rule. Prior to being suspended for upskirt photographing himself, the man had been suspended for brazenly walking out of the building with bundles of gym toilet bog rolls, shooting up on the incline bench press, and bitching relentlessly about Carly Simon. ‘I’m in the last chance saloon,’ he said. At that very moment, we passed by a public house called The Last Chance Saloon. ‘Oh God,’ said the man. ‘I’ve done it again. Please don’t suspend me from the-.’ But it was too late. The interview was over.

Picture credit: Wix AI