Portacabin secretly invented RAAC & asbestos

New documents show Britain's crumbling infrastructure, was a deliberate ploy to get us all to move into portable cabins. It is estimated that by 2025, 50% of all people and 99.9% of all pet rabbits, will be living in huts.

In the 80's portacabin sponsored the tv show 'Auf Wiedersehen, Pet' to promote it's glamorous lifestyle. Even Star Wars featured a character Jabba the Portacabin - but who was later renamed for the American market.

Speaking from Stalag 12 Comprehensive, one child remarked: 'The main benefit of flimsy ceilings, is they don't hurt so much when they fall on you.' Portacabin denied putting dangerous material into schools, saying: 'We leave that to the curriculum.'

Photo by Henry & Co. on Unsplash

Sunak to focus military spending on Culture Wars

Rishi Sunak will re-focus defence spending away from the expensive military hardware of actual wars and into the keyboard warriors fighting the Culture Wars to win the next election.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said ‘Rishi is a modern Tory. His dream is to use public money to weaponize the comments section of the right-wing tabloids. If there’s a way to dunk on transgender people, obviously we’ll do that too. We’ve no money for warplanes to help Ukraine, because universities are too woke maybe? Why do Labour want the Russians to win? They don’t, but it’s still a red flag.’

Carruthers tapped her nose, then beamed ‘The Conservatives are bringing back the death penalty but mainly for black people in police custody. They don’t have to be guilty. It’s not so much a national scandal as a policy goal.’

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Chancellor sticks knife into 99% of population again because, well, it's just muscle memory reflex

During Wednesday's budget statement Rishi Sunak promised the nation that he had done absolutely everything to ensure absolutely everyone continues to be as fabulously wealthy as him.

In what is being called a masterstroke of fiscal policy which only the Conservative party has the economic understanding to conjure up, the Chancellor of the Exchequer pushed the event horizon boundaries of generosity. Regardless of economic status, every person in the UK is to receive a limp gherkin and two mouldy pickled onions.

Despite wide support and raucous cheers which sounded exactly like guffawing from the Tory back benches, the Institute for Fiscal Responsibility Yet Wholly Inappropriate Facial Expressions murmured something yawn. 'The Chancellor's new budgetary innovations won't be made available for two years, and beyond that each gherkin will be excruciatingly shat out over a period of twenty fiscal quarters.'

On a perkier note, the Office of Budget Actually Even More Crappy Than it Seems said that it quite liked the name Pishi Rishi had come up with for his economy revival plans. 'Most people won't bother considering the appalling numbers and just coo over it being called Eat Out at Food Banks to Help Out.'

Image: Pixabay: stevepb