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Elon Musk has asked all US government employees (except the ones already on gardening leave) to list their accomplishments, or face the sack.
In an unusual act of reciprocity, Elon's office has set out his recent achievements, which are as follows:
 • I got my dad to lend me million dollars to start a company - how many of you have done that, huh?
 • I won a chainsaw from Argentina.
 • I got everyone’s personal data from US government records – useful for the X algorithms
 • I’m supporting far right parties in Europe, although I can’t remember why
 • I blew up a number of SpaceX rockets to distract attention away from Jeff Bezos
 • I’m working to save Twitter, by wrecking TikTok
 • I will have a successful car company, if I can get tariffs imposed on my Chinese competitors
 • I’m in good with Donald, which gets me favourable treatment on lots of things
 • I’m promoting free speech on X, especially mine
Picture credit: Wix AI
In his drive for efficiency gains, Mr. Musk has discovered that there are 8 billion feckless humans, breathing valuable oxygen, that could otherwise be used on Mars. A spokesman explained: 'The majority of people are not doing anything productive. And by productive we mean working in a Tesla factory, buying a Tesla or by becoming the human sex slave of an android...and his Tesla.'
By using the simple metric of 'what have you done for me recently?', Musk plans to shut down all branches of Government and to replace them with AI generated images of dogs playing poker. Nothing and no one is deemed worthwhile unless they are being a specific benefit to President Trump, which is good news for the Department of Fried Chicken & Pussy Grabbing.
The redundant humans can now be re-purposed as hat stands and draft excluders, depending on which way up they are. Millions of jobs will now be vacant but Musk is training a host of cyborg squirrels, who will very happily work for peanuts.
Image: Pawel86 - Pixabay
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