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In a blow to Elon Musk’s plan to colonize Mars, the Martian government has banned the multi-billionaire from setting foot on the planet. The ban also applies to all spaceships owned in whole or in part by Musk or any of his contractors, according to Xyqqqwz, the Martian government’s Minister of Migration. ‘Any of Mr. Musk’s vessels that enter Martian orbit, or land on the surface, will immediately be seized and sold for scrap,’ said Xyqqqwz.
The ban comes in the wake of several recent bizarre interventions Musk has made in UK politics. ‘We get the BBC just like everyone else,’ Xyqqqwz explained in a rare interplanetary press conference. ‘And what we’ve been seeing just boggles the neuroreceptors.’ Martians seem particularly disturbed by Musk’s peculiar fascination with Tommy Robinson, famed throughout the solar system for his grotesque racism. ‘He is what we Martians refer to as a wanker,’ Xyqqqwz observed.
Down at the Comet & Crater, a popular local watering hole, the public reaction to the ban has generally been positive. ‘We should just keep all the humans out,’ said Qxxwwq, a canal maintenance worker. ‘All they do is bring crime and filth, and you can’t get even half a day’s work out of them.’
Yqqqxw, a property developer, had a more complex view. ‘We certainly welcome human tourism because we could use the money,’ Yqqqxw said. ‘But we don’t need ignorant and unskilled humans like Musk coming here to stay and burdening our taxpayers.’ One patron, who asked not to be identified, said he would welcome Musk to Mars. ‘I sell ketamine and I think his arrival here would really be good for business.’
Picture credit: Wix AI
Elon Musk admitted today that the bulk of his fortune comes not from Tesla or SpaceX, and certainly not from X (formerly Twitter), but from posting pictures of his feet to OnlyFans.
“I don’t know why you guys are so surprised,” Musk told reporters today. “SpaceX makes huge losses, even when we manage to launch a rocket without it blowing up. Tesla just had to issue the sixth recall this year for the Cybertruck. And don’t get me started on X, which even landmine manufacturers won’t advertise on now.
”Yeah, things were looking pretty bleak until I realised I could make serious dough posting pictures of my feet.
“Gotta be honest, I never thought they were that attractive. But it seems like there are some weird people out there. And most of them follow me on X already, so it was easy to send them a link to my new site.
”Since then, it’s been my only reliable income stream, pretty much subsidising all the businesses I’m running into the ground.
”I thought I might have to take a break over the summer when I got athlete’s foot, but, er… did I mention there are some weird people out there?”
Asked whether he knows of any other famous people posting pics of their feet, he grinned and said he couldn’t betray a confidence.
”Let’s just say, he doesn’t dye his whole body the same orange as his face.”
image from pixabay
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