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Cosmonauts become nightmare flatmates on the International Space Station



Russia has decided to stop all cooperation with western countries on the International Space Station but stopped short of admitting it has instructed its cosmonauts to start behaving like the flatmates from hell.

 

The Americans disagree.

 

It started yesterday morning when Vladimir and Oleg finished the milk in the fridge, which was clearly labelled USA and put the empty carton back.

 

 "I couldn't believe it," said Colonel Gary Sheppard. "They know that I like to have fresh, cold milk on my Frosties every morning, but they are so selfish. They even have loads of their own sterilised milk, like your gran used to get, on their shelf, although it tastes awful on cereal."

 

 "Then they had ASDA's Smartprice fish pie for lunch, and the kitchen smells like the devil's own arse. They didn't open a window, turn on the extractor fan, or even wipe around the microwave with Flash. They're like animals. That Putin has a lot to answer for."

 

 The Cosmonauts deny that they are doing anything on purpose. They claim not flushing the toilet after their traditional Russian asparagus soup party was purely an accident, as was leaving the heating on before going out last Friday night and putting out the wrong bins last Thursday.



First published 4 April 2022



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Mars bans Elon Musk



In a blow to Elon Musk’s plan to colonize Mars, the Martian government has banned the multi-billionaire from setting foot on the planet. The ban also applies to all spaceships owned in whole or in part by Musk or any of his contractors, according to Xyqqqwz, the Martian government’s Minister of Migration. ‘Any of Mr. Musk’s vessels that enter Martian orbit, or land on the surface, will immediately be seized and sold for scrap,’ said Xyqqqwz.


The ban comes in the wake of several recent bizarre interventions Musk has made in UK politics. ‘We get the BBC just like everyone else,’ Xyqqqwz explained in a rare interplanetary press conference. ‘And what we’ve been seeing just boggles the neuroreceptors.’ Martians seem particularly disturbed by Musk’s peculiar fascination with Tommy Robinson, famed throughout the solar system for his grotesque racism. ‘He is what we Martians refer to as a wanker,’ Xyqqqwz observed.


Down at the Comet & Crater, a popular local watering hole, the public reaction to the ban has generally been positive. ‘We should just keep all the humans out,’ said Qxxwwq, a canal maintenance worker. ‘All they do is bring crime and filth, and you can’t get even half a day’s work out of them.’


Yqqqxw, a property developer, had a more complex view. ‘We certainly welcome human tourism because we could use the money,’ Yqqqxw said. ‘But we don’t need ignorant and unskilled humans like Musk coming here to stay and burdening our taxpayers.’ One patron, who asked not to be identified, said he would welcome Musk to Mars. ‘I sell ketamine and I think his arrival here would really be good for business.’


Picture credit: Wix AI

Travel to Mars delayed by astronauts' strike



The astronauts' union, Astronauts, Researchers & Space Engineers, is calling for a travel allowance, a ban on working nights, triple-time pay for working weekends and for all spacecraft to carry a guard. Many astronauts are also demanding the right to work from home.


'We have had to cancel next year's flight to Mars,' crackled the launch area's PA system, 'and delays to other services may be announced later. By the way, is that a suspicious package in your pocket?'


'This is the last straw!' said 60-year-old Ethel Brimstock as she set down her suitcase and sat wearily on it. 'It was tedious enough going through all the check-in procedures, and I really resented not being able to take a drink with me. But at least it makes a change from delays due to "leaves on the launch pad".


'There isn't even a replacement space-bus service going via the Saturn Ringsroad.'

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