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Various vacuous vixens voyage into the void


Noted rocket scientist and astrophysicist Katy Perry has criticised the apparent lack of return trajectory for the Blue Origin space rocket.


A spokeswoman said, 'Katy has crunched the numbers, and she’s not happy with the rocket's thrust or fuel burn rates. She would also like to know how best to make her space suit a bit sluttier – what with all the thrusting. If she makes it back, hopefully she'll be able to describe space without using the word 'girl-boss', but let's see.'


Divorce lawyer Karolina Krychowiak said, 'Divorce number 1 cost Bezos $38 billion, so to avoid divorce number 2 he’s going to fire his girlfriend and some collateral damage, into the depths of space. That's cold - and I'm not talking about the depths of space.'


Old school sexist Derek Drummond dribbled, 'They’ve got all of space, but I bet those women still won’t be able to park.' Drummond went suspiciously quiet when shown a photo of Perry in her newly altered space suit.



Picture credit: Deep Dream Generator

UK denies previous moon landings



Alongside Santa Claus and good dental hygiene, the British people are unaware that the US put a man on the moon in 1969. Such is their level of denial, a UK consortium plans to land a robotic probe on the moon, making them more out of date than VCRs, travel agents or saying ‘toats’ to a teenage girl.

 

 The elaborate media blackout has kept the UK hermetically sealed for the last 45 years, despite the fact that North Korea had established a thriving moon colony in 1994. The Astronomer Royal said: ‘Britain plans to be the first on the moon. And we reject the suggestion that key facts have been hidden from us. The moon is made of cheese. There are monsters living under the bed. And, as Nanny says, if I swallow an apple seed, a tree will grow out of my ear.’



First published 5 April 2022



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Elon Musk's Rocket Explodes in Huge Metaphor



Nine minutes after launching on its latest test flight, Elon Musk's starship project experienced an anomaly, causing a huge metaphor to occur over the Atlantic Ocean.


Engineers are still piecing together data, with initial investigations showing it's likely the loss was caused by the conjunction of an allegory and a parable, or possibly a symbolism overload.


Speaking at the launch site in Texas, flight controller Emerald Minor gave waiting reporters and members of the Muskovites an update, saying, 'The flight was proceeding to plan until separation, when we had a rapid unscheduled disassembly of the booster caused by build issues, and a hugely expensive self-destruction of the main Starship vehicle prompted by an illogical decision.'


She continued, 'SpaceX are taking active measures to prevent metaphors to other ventures undertaken by our illustrious leader occurring in subsequent launches. As such, we have asked Elon to not attend the next flight in case it blows up in his face, reinforcing the launch pad to avoid an expensive black hole, and we will be keeping Jewish members of the team away from him at all costs; though we've actually been doing that for years.'


Elon Musk could not be reached for comment as he was busy trying to get strangers on the internet to think he's a really cool and funny guy.


image from pixabay

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