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Don't fall prey to Christmas influenzer epidemic," warn health chiefs


You must protect yourselves right now, if you want to escape the dreadful influenzer epidemic in the run-up to Christmas,” the UK’s chief medical officer told a press conference in TK Maxx on Oxford Street.



“Unless you inoculate yourselves immediately by closing all your social media accounts, you'll be infected by wave after wave of preening young influenzers on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok persuading you to splurge your cash on overpriced cosmetics for all your relatives, as well as ridiculous items of clothing which they will never wear more than once.



"And the influenzer disease is highly contagious, because your relatives will all be infected with the urge to buy the self-same garbage for you.



“The UK’s social media disease labs have informed me that this year’s most virulent influenzer strains are x. Zoella Sugella and x. Charli D’Amelitis.



“But, as in previous years, people are continuing to suffer from nauseating levels of exposure to bacterius Kylie Jenneritis and streptoccocus Kimmus Kardashianus.



“I warn you! If you become an influenzer victim, you will end the Christmas shopping season feeling very poorly indeed – as in: ‘Why am I so very poor? What did I spend all my sodding money on?’”


God clarifies rules on lying


In his first interview since the bestselling Ten Commandments, reclusive author God has issued clarification on the 9th Commandment.


‘Bearing false witness remains sinful, even on social media and even if the liar believes he has the moral high ground’, God told journalists.


‘This includes funny memes and made-up quotations which look as if they might have been the sort of thing which that person might have said.


‘Although if it’s for satirical effect that’s ok,' he added. ‘But if you intend people to believe in the content, repeat the message or use it as the basis for an online argument, you’re going to The Bad Place. As a rule of thumb avoid social media – if it’s worth saying, it’s worth carving into tablets of stone.'



We need to talk about social media clichés



Humor klaxon! So I'm super excited to be sharing my latest project, a [checks notes] story made 100% from social media clichés.


POV: 1984 but instead of using Newspeak to control everyone's minds, the Party just spreads 10 memes until no-one can think in any other terms.


No one:

Literally not a single soul:

Me, with an inflated sense of the importance of the bees in my bonnet and my passing flights of fancy: sounds legit.


Don't forget to also check out my Medium, Substack, Instagram, Mastodon, LinkedIn, Pinterest, YouTube, TikTok, Reddit, Discord, Weibo, 4chan, 8chan, JackieChan, and TruthSocial where you can find all the same content as on here. And don't forget to spend money with my sponsors NerdVPN they're great! What's that? My Facebook? OK boomer...


Anyway, I know there's a lot going on right now - war, plague, poverty, corruption - but some personal news, delighted to be starting work as Senior Vice Deputy Head of Internal Procurement! Woop woop! Feel for all of you who didn't get the job obvs.


ICYMI TLDR IRL IDC. TTFN. #ROFL




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