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Kate Forbes condemns same sex clergy



SNP leadership hopeful Kate Forbes has admitted she voted against male only clergy, insisting same-sex vicars and ministers should not be blessed in churches. Ms Forbes insists the ‘natural’ state of clergy is a man and woman getting it on in the pews.


Divisions within the SNP were exposed during the Synod of Whitby in 664, where Ms Forbes and King Oswiu of Northumberland voted against same sex vicars. After lengthy debate it was decreed that men’s willies and women’s noo-noos were God’s number one obsession.


A translator of Biblical proportions cherry picking said, ‘This is a matter of conscience. Jesus didn’t want men to wear dresses and have long hair, especially ones that hang out with sailors.’


Child poverty charities have thanked Ms Forbes for the opportunity to have a rational and sensible debate on the most pressing issues of the day.



Fury as Nicola Sturgeon retires to England




Speaking to a packed press conference she confessed that she had a beachside property near Hastings. Her aide confirmed: 'Scotland is cold and miserable - and that's it's best bits.'



Many in the Scottish Independence movement will have felt betrayed by her admission that Burns Night sounded like an evening spent in A&E. The aide said: 'Since leading the SNP, she's really struggled to understand the accent. Quite frankly, anyone from Glasgow is unintelligible.'



In a carefully worded statement, she confirmed that she never liked whiskey and felt that kilts were ridiculous. 'She's a big Arsenal fan and gets a nosebleed every time she goes north of the Watford Gap. Technically she will be supporting the independence movement, but this time from the right side of the border.'


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