top of page
Search

Look over there! It’s snowing!





Never mind how horrible the world is, it’s about to start snowing. This means it is a good time to bury bad news – literally bury it, under the snow.


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘The callous cruelty of the Tory “Stop the boats” campaign? Forget about it. Gary Grimthwaite from some red wall seat up north has built a funny snowman. Here’s a picture of it. Look at the picture and do not look at your smart meter because you can’t afford to heat your home. Is it snowing where you are? Why not build some ice blocks and call it an igloo. It’s snows more in Scotland because of SNP failures.’


Snowman construction artiste Gary Grimthwaite said ‘I once rented a pedalo on holiday. Waste of money! I agree, stop the boats and restrict my right to protest while you're at it.’




BBC admits to losing some news



A BBC spokesman has admitted that some news items may have become 'lost'. 'We had them, on a piece of paper on a desk somewhere, but we just can't find them,' he said.


The spokesman said that he recalled something about a conservative peer allegedly siphoning off a shed load of money for procuring inadequate PPE, something else about a VIP lane company run by a conservative donor being paid to procure a shed load of inadequate PPE and then being paid to incinerate it. He also had a recollection that a senior conservative MP who had held and continues to hold senior positions in the government who had denied owing HMRC lots of money last summer and then, after a successful investigation by HMRC, deciding to pay an eye watering amount of unpaid taxes that historically have been accompanied with a jail sentence.


'We do have a lot of news about the weather, so we've filled the front page with news about snow in case nobody noticed; and there's still lots of news about Harry and Meghan. And the unions blackmailing the country. Buggered if I know where the other news went, though,' he said, uploading another photo of a town covered in a dusting of snow.




Man sweeping up leaves not wasting his time


With another major winter storm blowing across the country, a man has been busy sweeping up leaves, despite claims he’s ‘Sisyphean’ and ‘an idiot’. Derek Drummond said ‘The answer isn't blowing in the wind, it's leaves. What if some of them blow on to a railway line? That will mean HS2 goes another £10 billion over budget and is only able to serve Tory constituencies. I’d say about 52% of the leaves in my garden have left, with 48% remaining. The leaver leaves have made a mess all over the floor, so I’m helping the environment by sweeping these biodegradable leaves into a single use plastic bag.’ On hearing that there’s a lot of blow, Michael Gove was seen to noticeably perk up. Acquaintances say the prospect of snow drifts had him 'dancing like a Tory Bez'.


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/publicdomainpictures-14/




bottom of page