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- Benvoleo
- Feb 8, 2024
As The Met Office has released Snow Warnings across the UK, NewsBiscuit has released a helpful guide:
Green Snow Warning: might be medicines you’re taking, or a liver disease, but knowing you skanks you could just stop swallowing your mouthwash.
Amber Snow Warning: you’re probably dehydrated; a lot of sport, a high protein muscle building diet, or after-match drinks with the team can all dehydrate you, but so can sinking a bottle of plonk on your own while crying incessantly, and I think we know which this was, don’t we?
Red Snow Warning: if you’re not on your period, it could be additives, or even beetroot, but you should probably get yourself checked out at the doctor’s in case of prostate problems or kidney stones, or a GUM clinic for STIs…probably best to go there first, TBH.
Donald Trump is running on a Make America Cold Again platform in 2024, after his research has found a correlation between the number of words for snow and climate change. "Fact: the North Pole is cold because they have 21 words for snow there", he says, pointing to Antarctica on the map. "America is getting warmer because it has only one".
"Canada is a bit better than us", he continues. "It has two words - snow and what is it, neige? - so it's a bit colder. Hell, we can at least catch up with Canada". He will advise the UN Convention on Climate Change to set a target of 15 words for snow by 2030.
However, an Inuit spokesman says Mr Trump has it all wrong. "The reason we have so many words for snow is because our favourite book is Roget's Thesaurus", he reveals. "There's a copy in every igloo around here". He describes the former president's theory as "ridiculous, ludicrous, contemptible, risible, preposterous".
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