Christmas Films: Calamity Jane

Number 10 Downing Street says, “Nothing to do with me."

Following a plethora of sleaze, corruption and party scandals levelled at Number 10, the building itself has spoke to distance itself from those who live and work within its walls.

'You have to separate Me, Number 10, a rather splendid 17th Century town house, from ‘Number 10’, the less than splendid, festering sores that are currently giving me such a bad name.' it explained.

'When fingers are pointed at ‘Number 10’, that’s not me. Unless they’re tourists, in which case they probably will be pointing fingers, cameras and phones at me. But when they mention on the news, "the noises coming from Number 10", they do mean some dickhead downstairs who has opened his gob, not my aching 350-year-old joints.'

Such is the dissatisfaction that Number 10 is feeling right now, it is considering moving out. Although Number 11 has said it can’t see that happening immediately as over the years they have become very attached.

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Conservatives deny name change to 'The Ed Sheeran' Party is a diversionary tactic

'

It's absurd to suggest that our proposed name change is a reaction to an unfortunate series of current events. We've been planning this for months, and it's nothing more than a forward step towards re-aligning our great and noble party with our voters. To say otherwise is Poppycock and piffle of the highest order,' said a source close to said Jacob Rees-Mogg, Keeper of her Majesties Hand Towels and Distraction Czar.

'We are in no way cashing in on the inexplicable popularity of a young man with ginger hair and a small guitar.

'No-one batted an eyelid when Labour temporarily changed its name to 'The Beatles Party' back in the sixties in a desperate bid to fool the electorate.'

'For some reason, the words 'The Conservative party' have become toxic, along with the name 'Boris Johnson.' Our leader is about as popular as Herring Gull shit on chips, and we're hoping this completely coincidental name change will do the trick and see us through the next by-election. We've also suggested to the Prime Minister that perhaps changing his name to Ed Sheeran would be a spiffingly good idea.'

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