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BBC to be funded by Twitter Verified status



With the licence fee unlikely to be extended beyond FY 26/27, the BBC is searching for ways to fund itself.  'Obviously advertising isn't going to work,' a corporation spokesman stated, noting the decline in advertising revenue globally that would only be diluted by the BBC entering the party.  It was thought that making the taxpayer fund the broadcaster was the solution - practically the same as a licence fee but just not pretending the licence isn't a tax.  But then it was noted that Sky owner, Rupert Murdoch, appeared to support the idea.  'So that's off the table, then,' said the spokesman.


A subscription model has been discussed, but it is thought to be as successful as running a Premier football team without a shady oligarch funding the 95% shortfall in costs being covered, or not covered, by ticket sales.  'Shame really, as some of our staff are paid like Premier League footballers, especially as some of them used to be Premier League footballers,' he added.


'We did consider the GB News model - spout fascist propaganda 24/7, employ horrible, nasty presenters and market mainly hate, but to be fair Laura Kuenssberg is already filling that role and then you're back to the 95% of costs needed to be covered by a shady oligarch,' he said.


'So, we've decided to invest £8 a month for a verified blue tick - it actually wasn't the BBC who got the verified tick, it was a made up person called @brian0999945733745 who got it - and all our content is going to run on Twitter and Musk will pay, pay, pay,' said the Spokesman.  


'We're not doing it on Facebook, though.  That would be really lowering ourselves.  We've got standards,' he lied.


Voters thrilled at prospect of new Sky TV channel 'Watching Paint Dry'


Voters whose brains are in danger of imploding or simply turning to jelly after weeks of exposure to endless non-stop politedium have greeted the proposed new TV channel with ecstasy.


Ecstasy has turned to disenchanted for some however, with comments like 'I'm beginning to realise that one week watching paint drying can be very much like another week watching paint drying.'. Another whispered, 'keep this quiet, but actually, it's pretty difficult to detect any difference between the appearance of paint which is still wet and paint which has dried.'


One viewer admitted to skipping forward through the action (or more accurately, the inaction) to enjoy the sheer relief of the next advertising break. 'Even that got a bit tiresome after a while' the disenchanted viewer admitted 'when I realised that most of the advertisements were for gambling companies trying to persuade viewers to bet on which particular patch of paint is likely to dry first, or whether a specific patch of paint will dry in a certain time.'


'What we really want is something that holds us all completely spellbound, blind and deaf to all else around us' suggested another 'Something like "Celebrity Paint Watch." Who could possibly resist the lure of watching celebrities watching paint dry, with the relentless excitement of wondering how long it might be before one of them completely loses it and goes crazy - or dies of old age.'


A Downing Street spokesman confirmed Rishi Sunak was now able to afford Sky TV. 'You meant buying the whole company, right?'


Sky News gives impartial view on Sharp resignation from BBC



According to inside sources Sky News will be releasing a program covering the recent resignation of Richard Sharp the soon to be former chairman of the BBC.


The ninety minute documentary titled 'Hahahahahaha you license fee sucking vampires' delves deep into the dodgy dealings surrounding the appointment and subsequent resignation of Richard Sharp. In an interview that Sky News gave to itself a spokesperson for the production said the following:


'Not only did we want to make sure that anyone we platformed backed up their claims with evidence, we also wanted to make sure that we were asking these questions in a sensitive way that took into account the human beings involved. Then we remembered that we were dealing with the BBC and what goes around comes around.'


Sharp's resignation comes after an inquiry found he created the appearance of a conflict of interest by not fully disclosing his knowledge of the ex-prime minister's personal finances after helping to facilitate a loan between Canadian businessman Sam Blyth and Former Prime Minister Boris Johnson.


‘We've seen a lot of reports claiming that the loan was 800,000 dollars, but in the interest of balance we also should hear from the people that say the loan was actually one billion dollars and involved man on man action in the bathtub. You know, for balance.'


Sky News are also alleged to have acquired the list of people potentially being considered to replace Sharp which include; Nadine Dorries, Ghislaine Maxwell, Sue Gray, and an Austrian born man with a funny little moustache.




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