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Evolution going into reverse, says Attenborough. Also, Trump sworn in.



Scientist, national treasure and brother of the Jurassic Park bloke, Sir David Attenborough, has wowed the scientific community by providing proof that evolution has finally started going backwards.


In a paper presented to the International Science Gang, Sir David cites many examples of this phenomenon.


'The rise to prominence of such armpit-scratching, knuckle-draggers like Trump, Musk and Tate is a sure sign of this,' he told the BBC.


'Their three syllable names will soon regress to two syllable names and by 2030, society's 'alpha-males' will just be identified by grunts and whistles. Reality TV shows will get worse with I'm a Celebrity taking part in a real jungle where contestants won't get to leave, Love Island will just be a resort to breed large-breasted, sloping-fore headed dipshits and Britain's Got Talent will just be people on stage throwing their faeces at Simon Cowell. So, it won't be all bad'


He added, 'Within one generation, human beings could be back living in caves, wearing the skins of their enemies to keep warm, and eating the Deliveroo driver.'


However, not all scientists agree. Professor Brian Cox told us, 'Human beings do not have the upper body strength to climb trees any more and, most kids couldn't do it if they had a ladder, their helicopter parents won't let them do anything considered even remotely so dangerous as physical exercise.'


He continued, 'I'm not the one from Succession, by the way.'


New talent show - The Double-X Factor



ITV has announced the launch of a new talent show, The Double-X Factor.


The format will be similar to its famous predecessor, The X Factor, except that any woman who does too well will immediately be accused of being a man.


No amount of producing birth certificates or passports, or pointing out that being a man wouldn’t give them an advantage anyway, will satisfy the snarling newspaper columnists, former children’s authors or keyboard warriors of X (formerly Twitter, now Double-X).


Each show will culminate in the judges lasciviously baying for the contestant to strip naked to prove she’s a woman, leading one audience member to say the idea that Simon Cowell has any desire to see a naked woman was 'the most implausible thing I’ve been expected to believe yet'.


Rylan to host Channel 4's election night coverage

Channel 4 has announced the team of political pundits who will maintain its world-beating coverage of the UK General Election on the night of 4th July.


Heading up the incisive analysis will be Rylan Somebody. A spokesman stated, "We hope that Rylan will get behind the big issues and pull everyone that night. Oops! Pull everyone together. Oh dear, that's not much better, is it?"


Rachel Riley will be on everyone's hand to take charge of the numbers as they come in. "It seems likely that the Tories might go for none from the top, whether they want to or not."


Financial analysis will be provided by Blackpool's Mr Austerity, Pete Sandiford from Gogglebox. "Viewers are well aware of Pete's experience and insistence on cutting unnecessary expenditure - like heating and lighting - and how to make a single potato last a week for a family of five. We are hoping to have a dedicated section that evening where Pete and Lee Anderson share tips."


Sustainability and ecology will be the responsibility of Gordon Ramsay. Although outside his usual area of expertise, it is expected that Gordon's forceful character will influence the climate to change its behaviour. "Look! That's too hot! Much too f*cking hot!! What are you trying to do here? You need to turn things down! Way f*cking down! Starting right now!" etc etc


The spokesman concluded, "We had hoped to confirm the inclusion of Simon Cowell, but it's all very dependent on whether the monthly face injections will have set in time to put him under the hot studio lights.


image from pixabay


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