Tensions rise after killing of Abdul Abulbul Amir

The Middle East is experiencing heightened tensions today after the targeted assassination of Abdul Abulbul Amir, much loved leader of his people.

Though no actor has officially claimed responsibility, few doubt the killing was ordered by Amir’s ancient rival, Ivan Skavinsky Skavar. 

The feud between the two is thought to date back to a disagreement about the drinking of beer, with Skavar thinking it best in a straight glass while sat in a chair with the ladies, whilst Amir as a Muslim considered alcohol and other intoxicants “haram” and “the work of Satan”.

Whatever the original casus belli, the two have been skirmishing for as long as anyone can remember, using arcane weapons such as blunderbusses and bicycles hanging from balloons. 

Fears this conflict may develop into warfare with modern weapons were averted when trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney flew in and asked whether they wouldn’t prefer a Bud Light, causing both sides to realise they hate Mulvaney far more than they hate each other.

Photo by Kyle Head on Unsplash

Isosceles triangles demand equilateral rights

Trigonometry has been rocked by a dispute over preferential treatment afforded to triangles with sides of equal length.

Self-proclaimed leader of the isosceles triangles, Trigger Broom, has today launched a campaign to raise awareness for the plight of triangles which are not equilateral. 'We need society to view this from the right angle,' announced Broom at a convention for those of three sides.

'Just because some bisectors of society all meet in the middle, why should that exclude a cute isosceles shape like me? This is a warning sign to those with aesthetic prejudices, and it's long past time this thinking was turned on its head: they must give way.

'There's no rational reason why we can't also be included in box girder bridges. It's just because of age old structures which promote equilaterals to the apex of society. It's an ancient pyramid scheme which is obtuse.

'These demands apply to all triangles, no matter their background. Except those ugly scalene f*ckers.'

The conference was brought to an abrupt end due to a heated debate which was measured at 180 degrees inside.

Photo by the blowup on Unsplash

Letting off steam after a hard day's work