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Comedy Writer A: That idea you had yesterday, the one about that Top Secret Meeting, how’s it going?


Comedy Writer B: Well, it needs fleshing out, but so far, I just had, like, a Trump lackey setting up a Top-Secret video meeting and some random dude is just in there. Could be about invading Switzerland for their gold.


A: Ha yeah, totally wrong number, nice. A random person can’t just get on a secure call though… and they’d just be seen straight away, what about an e-mail chain?


B: Good point, a wrong email address is possible, maybe JPVance@hotcouch.com or PeteBegseth@foxnews.com The format might not be easy to make it funny enough, could a text chat work? You know, little messages popping up….


A: Difficult to add a rando in, might have to gloss over that. Also, if it’s a secret chat, there must be all sorts of rules for that. You might get to sell it by saying it’s low-level Trump mooks doing it, not knowing how things work.


B: Unqualified losers or hired family members maybe, what about Eric and Don Junior, thinking they are all involved like?


A: Everyone knows they are just an utter joke anyway, bit too easy. What about Tulsi Gabbard not trusting CIA secure communications and using WhatsApp?


B: Snorts just imagine…..you could have Hegseth in there treating it as a Fox News work chat, bragging about a new secret jet or how he is going to invade Mexico and build a military base in Cancun for Spring break


A: JD Vance would be desperate enough to want to be involved in anything, like proper desperate….he’d be texting “I’m important too, I’m so involved”


B: I mean, this starts to become really high level national security, hasn’t it? If we go too daft it loses it a bit….should we tone it down? I mean, is this on their own phones?


A: Hmmmm, can’t make that work. Needs thinking about. What about the rando, what if they are something proper stupid…..Russian spy? Too obvious?


A: Influencer? Live streaming?


B: Excellent. What about a reporter of ….The Washington Post? Thinking Woodward or Bernstein …unexpected DeepThroat?


A: Come on…that would be insane


B: The story next day would be…. mass resignations, everyone involved… just gone


A: Yeah, wishful thinking.


B: Anyway, no rush on this, I’ll put something together after St. Patricks Day





Messages exchanged between Allied leaders on Bakelite, a 1940s precursor of modern messaging apps, have finally been declassified under Home Office rules. 


The messages reveal that the D-Day landings were almost called off due to security concerns.


CHURCHILL: So we’re all set for Normandy?


MONTY: Provided the weather holds, yes sir.


HITLER: Normandy! Gott in Himmel, I almost said Normandy!


CHURCHILL: What the actual… is that Hitler?


HITLER: You know it, baby 😆


CHURCHILL: You added Hitler to the group chat?!?


MONTY: Sorry sir, I didn’t know it was him. His username just said “Reich Reich Baby”.


ROOSEVELT: Jeez, I knew I shouldn’t have left this to a bunch of limeys.


MONTY: Don’t worry Mr President, he still doesn’t know it’s June 6th.


CHURCHILL: Monty, I swear to god…


HITLER: Right, who had Normandy on June 6th?


GOERING: Me! Pay up, losers!


HIMMLER: No you didn’t, you said Brittany. That’s a totally different place.


GOERING: It’s the same place, that’s just the French name for it.


HIMMLER: Christ, no wonder we lost the Battle of Britain…


GOERING: You can talk, you said the Dordogne. That’s not even on the bloody coast!


ROOSEVELT: What the f… you added the whole Nazi High Command?


MONTY: Well unfortunately sir, once Hitler was in, he was able to invite other people...


ROOSEVELT: Goddammit! I oughta come over there and sort you guys out but good.


CHURCHILL: Oh yeah? You and whose wheelchair access ramp?


MONTY: Now now, chaps, let’s not go there…


GOEBBELS: Don’t tell me Mussolini’s on here as well?


HITLER: Don’t worry, I created another chat just for him and me, so he feels like he’s involved. So, you were saying about Normandy?


CHURCHILL: Monty, don’t you say another bloody word!


HITLER: Come on Monty, tell uncle Dolfi 😋


CHURCHILL: Makes no difference anyway. Whatever you send against us, we will fight you on the beaches, on the landing grounds and in the streets.


MONTY: Oh Lord, he’s off again…


STALIN: Gee, sounds like a nice day at the beach, guys. Remind me to tell you about Stalingrad one day.


TUKHACHEVSKY: To be fair, that was partly your fault for not…


TUKHACHEVSKY has left the chat very suddenly.


STALIN: Dude, how many times? Never in public. Or in private, for that matter.


TROTSKY: Dear me, looks like poor old Uncle Joe doesn’t have too many friends left!


STALIN: Trotsky! Enjoying life in Mexico? (Yes, I know where you are)


TROTSKY: Very much, thank you! Must be annoying for you to have a critic you can’t silence?


STALIN: Oh, I have plenty of ways to get to you, old friend. And when the time comes, I’ll take my pick 😜


TROTSKY: Hmm, guess it was funnier in your head.


STALIN: Not as funny as it’ll be in yours. Oh and Dolfi, since we’re talking… you missed a bit under your nose when you were shaving.


HITLER: Thanks, dude. Gets funnier every time.


DE GAULLE: Sorry to interrupt, but… is it safe to come out yet?



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