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Updated: Apr 25, 2023
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A barely fictional Tory MP has been caught on film with several prostitutes and 40 tins of chopped tomatoes.
Before putting the ball gag back in his mouth, the MP fumed: ‘Cameron stuck his wang in a dead pig’s head. Boris stuck his – well to be honest I dread to think. There’s a shortage of cucumbers too, so you can imagine what he’s up to with those.
‘But I get one prostitute, OK three prostitutes, to smear my naked body in chopped tomatoes and all of a sudden, I’m a poverty pervert? It’s not like I’m into hardcore stuff like ketchupping. What’s ketchupping? If you know, you know… and I know.
‘Now shove that broccoli up my arse or get out.’
The government has conceded that it's target of 32 million people on strike by the end of 2022 has been missed.
'Brexit has played a part,' admitted a government spokesman from his picket line. 'The government's target of getting the entire country on strike was always ambitious, but if anyone could do it, I think we can agree, this government could. We came close, but Brexit red-tape made it difficult to recruit public workers from overseas and it turns out that the best placards are made in France and it takes ages to import anything nowadays.'
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