NHS to recruit dentists with screenings of "Marathon Man"

The NHS announced today it was planning to recruit new dentists with nationwide screenings of the film "Marathon Man".

The hard-hitting 1976 film, with its infamous dental torture scene, is credited with making thousands of people terrified to go to the dentist, whilst encouraging just as many others to join the profession.

Asked whether there wasn't a danger it would just encourage maladjusted sadists to apply, an NHS spokesman replied 'Well, yeah - dentists. That's the whole point.'

'Why else do you think people volunteer to spend their day poking around in other people's mouths? Without the thrill of 'accidentally' touching a nerve with the pointy metal thing now and then, there's not much to recommend it.'

'No point denying it,' said a spokesman for BAD, the British Association of Dentists. 'We all find ourselves muttering "Is it safe?" from time to time, before we 'carelessly' start drilling before the anaesthetic has taken effect. Still, whatever gets you through the day, eh?'

Image: Newsbiscuit

Pharmacies in England begin treating patients for common conditions

Summer solstice delayed until November because of staff shortages

Druids, hippies and other essential workers have reacted with dismay after the government postponed summer solstice until November.

A government spokesman explained, 'Summer is a really difficult time for such a major festival; many staff are away for their summer breaks. It greatly simplifies traffic management to move the date until a much quieter time of year. In addition, I thought that druids would welcome not having to get up at 3 O'clock in the morning.

Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg, who was recently knighted for disservice to the Realm, criticised the delay. 'I've always abhorred civil servants having any kind of holiday,' said Rees-Mogg's absent shadow. 'But if they do insist on it, why don't they simply buy a holiday home or two in the southern hemisphere so they've got somewhere warm to pop off to?'