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Britain has an eerie, deserted feel as people increasingly stay home to scroll through social media for the latest catastrophe to befall the Conservative Party. Sales of popcorn are at an all-time high, leaving cinemas depleted of their favourite snack.
'I felt a bit ghoulish waiting for news of that submarine’, said one former Conservative voter, ‘but it's nothing compared to what's happening to the Tories. Maybe they’ll get lucky and it’ll be a sudden catastrophic death, eh?’
The bookies have stopped taking bets on the outcome of the next General Election but they’re doing a roaring trade predicting which catastrophic event will act as the coup de grace. Odds below:
Boris Johnson arrested – 1/10
Fraud Squad investigate PPE procurements; Minister claims money was just ‘resting in his account’ – Evens
Rishi Sunak has nervous breakdown live on air and shoves pencils up his nose – 3/2
Suella Braverman experiences ‘will of the British people’ and finds herself stranded in Rwanda – 2/1
It isn’t all bad news. The team which brought us The Crown has started work on The Clown, an account of the last few years at 10 Downing Street. ‘It has all the intrigue and drama of the Royal Family but none of the class’, a spokesman said. ‘We’re having a lot of fun casting people as Nadine, Jacob and of course Boris. Episode 7 – working title: Bunga-Bunga – will knock your socks off’.
Conservative Central HQ looked much the same as ever, apart from a 'Do Not Resuscitate' notice which has been pinned to the front door.
image from pixabay
Boris Johnson has denied that Brexit or the coronavirus are to blame for shortages in supermarkets and at petrol stations, instead he said it was due to the universe expanding.
“Look folks, he's just following the science,” a spokesperson for the PM said. “Boris knows that the universe is expanding at an estimated rate of 82.4 kilometres per second per megaparsec, which, as he has pointed out numerous times to everyone, means that everything in it is gradually moving further apart.
“Boris has concluded that while there is exactly the same amount of goods on supermarket shelves than before Brexit or the pandemic, the gaps between them have got bigger which makes it look like the shelves are empty.”
The Prime Minister has been able to use his dubious grasp of scientific facts, which first emerged during his handling of the coronavirus pandemic, to explain the current petrol crisis.
“Boris would like everyone to know that there is plenty of petrol at the refineries", continued the spokesperson, "but it is obviously taking us longer to get it to the pumps, as, once again thanks to our old friend the ever expanding universe, they are now further away from each other - quod erat demonstrandum!”
The spokesperson added that it also meant that there was an increase in demand from drivers as they were having to drive further to reach destinations.
“So, there you have it,” Johnson's spokesperson said. “All down to science, ergo not Boris's fault or due to piss poor planning by his government.”
When asked to comment on the Prime Minister’s remarks, Sir Patrick Vallance, the government’s chief scientific adviser, is said to have replied with a strange kind of quiet sobbing noise.
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