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Shopping centres across the UK are set to capitalise on the huge energy loss that most people experience as soon as they step foot on their premises during the Christmas period, it has been confirmed.
It is thought that billions of kilojoules of energy are currently wasted every single day in December, as thousands of people exhale loudly, start cursing and totally lose the will to live, the minute they enter a crowded indoor shopping centre.
‘As soon as I see the dreary parade of Officers’ Club, The Works, and Perfume Club stores, plus that calendar shop that magically appears on December 1st in every shopping precinct across the sodding country, every ounce of energy instantaneously drains from my body’, said a weary Mike McBride, sat forlornly on a bench outside a rammed ‘Vape Express’ shop. ‘I can’t do it. I can’t walk another step’.
‘When I see the crowds wandering aimlessly without any hope around Primark, I just want the world to end. And that frankly piss-poor attempt at a Christmas window display in Rymans is enough to push anyone over the edge’, continued McBride.
‘And no, I am not thinking of changing my bloody broadband provider before you ask’, growled McBride to a bemused Sky salesman wearing a Santa hat at a pop up stand.
‘It’s actually a well-known scientific phenomenon’ said Mark Da Costa, Professor of retailing at the University of Lunn (formerly Lunn Poly). ‘A rapid loss of energy after encountering an uninspiring, overpriced, garishly decorated retail unit’.
‘We call it the WHSmith effect’.
‘The energy expelled could be used to power a small town’ continued Professor Da Costa. ‘Or another 3 soulless shopping precincts’.
In an unprecedented move, rating agency Moody’s has downgraded the UK’s Black Friday and Cyber Monday due to a combination of rising inflation, heightened unpredictability and an acute shortage of anyone who knows what the fuck they’re doing.
Cyber Monday will now be replaced by Analogue Wednesday on 14th February 2023. Valentine’s Day will be brought forward a month and will now share 14th January 2023 with STI Awareness Day.
It’s thought that Moody’s was forced to take action after discovering that Chancellor Jeremy Hunt used a cheque post-dated for “33rd Novembruary 2052” to make a payment toward the country’s national debt.
The Government, predictably, has played down the effect that losing Black Friday could have on the country’s embattled finances.
'Black Friday is just a marketing gimmick, like affordable energy bills or a functioning NHS' said Treasury spokesman Simon Jones.
'If people are concerned that Moody’s actions mean the end of the traditional Black Friday riots, they needn’t worry. Thanks to the Government’s expert mishandling of the economy, we’re going to have more civil unrest than you can shake a stick at. A big, pointy stick that’s been wrapped in barbed wire and has nails sticking out of it.'
Despite his bullish remarks, Mr Jones refused to comment on speculation that next year’s Black Friday could be demoted to Brown Tuesday or, even worse, Musk Sunday.
Author: Humpenscrumpjnr
Image: Newsbiscuit
First published 28 Nov 2022
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