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'Our top story 12 days in a row is about a gay man having gay sex with a gay,' said a Daily Mail journalist who had 16 affairs with girls and f*cked a pig. 'It's the most important thing happening in Britain, and everybody must have my opinion on this scandalous scandal beaten into them until they're definitely not considering why it's OK for me to do the same thing and get away with it. And certainly not thinking about my spiffing chum screwing 200,000 people during the pandemic.'
'We all cheated on our wives with other women,' said 26 famous ITV presenters. 'And we all got a slap on the back and a pay rise. There are no double standards here. Everyone remembers why that girl was sacked from that kiddie's show, but that was different because she's a woman. You can't have famous lady presenters being unfaithful to their husbands, otherwise society would collapse. We now know for sure what's right or wrong, because we've been reading about it in the Daily Mail. If our half Indian colleague was unfaithful, for example, he should go back where he came from. And Luton is a terrible place.'
Senior ITV executive, William Trent Fairhead admitted, 'We have a very serious case where one of our famous presenters has not cheated on his wife with a young woman. If he doesn't shape up, we'll have to let him go. Just not to the BBC in the 1980s.'
It was an average morning for a group of multicultural college students, who were enjoying the June sunshine on their leafy campus. 'It was all so normal,' Sanjay tells us. 'Hua, Kwame, Diego, Amelia (she's gay,) and I were preparing for our upcoming exams when we heard rustling from the bushes.'
They were greeted with the cold, invasive eye of a long-lens camera.
The college photographer, 46-year-old Oliver Brown, has been tasked with designing glossy brochures for the university for ten years. Since then, he has been striving to represent the full range of brilliant students who have walked the hallowed halls. 'It isn't always easy,' he tells us. 'Most of the people here are white, cis, able-bodied and straight. I usually end up having to photoshop minorities into the background. That's why Sanjay's group were so irresistible. It's the kind of diversity we collage together from stock images and slap on the front page.'
All Oliver wanted was one picture of the gang huddled around a Bunsen-burner or poring over books together in the library, but the colourful clique refused.
'It's tokenism, plain and simple,' Hua said. 'The moment we saw him coming we scattered; Kwame discarded his wheelchair, Amelia started kissing Sanjay and Diego tore off his Yarmulke. We weren't going to let him exploit our differences to make up for the racist flaws in this institution.'
After another belligerent attempt from Brown to photograph them returning from an intersectional feminist book-club, the gang decided to press charges against the shutterbug.
Sanjay shouted 'See you next Tuesday... in court.'
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