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'We would like everyone with an hour to spare this weekend to take part in a useful and enjoyable environmental survey called the Great British Turdwatch, said a spokesman for Least Effort, Narrowly Avoiding Prosecution - the industry association for the UK's water companies.
'Just spend 60 minutes taking a walk along a beach or a riverbank near you, or go surfing in the sea, and count the pieces of untreated waste matter that you step in, see floating past you, or swallow.
'Then send your results to us. In the best traditions of turdwatching, you should identify the nature of the excrement you encountered by detailing general impression, size and shape.
'We will collate all your contributions and then keep the results a corporate secret.
'However, we can confidently predict that high performers in the 2024 Turdwatch will be those traditionally turd-rich environments - the lower Thames, Portsmouth, Blackpool and Newquay in Cornwall.
"And don't forget - for every piece of effluent you report we will be adding £10 to your water bill. It's up to you how much of the truth you dare to tell us."
Appropriating the Peace Chant, the water industry plans to pollute with impunity. Said a spokeswoman: 'We've no idea where Palestine is, or what they want, but they've got some great PR on avoiding plumbing.' An irrate Peace Protestor remarked: 'We're calling for end to Israeli tanks, not an end to septic tanks.'
The Metropolitan Police has issued a warning that such a phrase could inflame tensions between Southern Water and their shareholders. Despite this the water industry boasted that their proposed sewage spill will be the size of Gaza - but, despite the bombing, people in Gaza will have better access to clean water.
Said the spokeswoman: 'We shall pollute on the beaches, we shall pollute in the fields and in the streets; we shall never clean up.'
image from pixabay
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