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The utility companies responsible for Britain’s waste water infrastructure have today acknowledged the system can no longer be considered safe and have issued advice to vagabonds escaping capture to hightail it above ground instead.
Recent surveys by hi-viz people with tripods noticed that masonry falling onto their hard hats could possess a danger to villains without hard hats making a quick, albeit foul-smelling, getaway, knocking them unconscious and exacerbating the problem of clogging.
Utility accountants believe the extra manpower involved to unplug chancer stiffs from key intersections could raise domestic bills by two hundred percent over the next decade and twice as much before. Loftier economists predict the irretrievable loss of stolen valuables from such incidents would have a devastating effect on the UK’s post-Brexit deregulated economy.
Defective structural integrity within a main sewer recently forced the closure of London’s trendiest gin bar: a hollowed-out fatberg below Covent Garden, called ‘Rubber Johnny’s’.
The bar’s owner, who had spent three years carving out the interior of a solid block of fat the size of a single-decker bus, was reportedly devastated as he’d suffered four near-death asphyxiations, endured a Heimlich manoeuvre to remove a disposable nappy from his windpipe, and lost valuable custom.
Although sightings are yet to be confirmed visually; workers with university degrees spreading blueprints out on a table believe rats the size of furry crocodiles, and crocodiles the size of four-legged whales, are the main perpetrators of brickwork damage. To a lesser extent; decades of underfunding leading a failure to maintain routine wear and tear.
The government has promised substantial nodding to claims for financial support, but believe the monumental task of renovation of public sewers remains the remit of water companies. Comment from the water companies was asked, but none received, as they are currently enjoying their Christmas parties in Las Vegas.
Photo by Martin Brechtl on Unsplash
Engineers and students at the University of Warwick are working on a hydrogen powered car that is fuelled by sewage. The sloppy jalopy development is being supported by Severn Trent Water, a company not unfamiliar with getting themselves in the sh*t.
One of the students, Ami, explained “We have tried to make the fuel induction as straightforward as possible. With petrol and diesel vehicles you fill up at the pump. With electric you use a charging point. With our car, a simple dump into the intake valve and you’re good to go.”
For their part Severn Trent have insisted more than one prototype is being built as backups will be inevitable, and they have also requested the vehicle is amphibious, so during heavy storms it can be treated as normal and pushed into the river.
Photo by Patrick Federi on Unsplash
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