SNP demand to be put in an independent Scottish prison

As senior party officials face arrest, Scottish Nationalists insist that proceedings avoid any hint of Englishness, which rules out any acquittal because the Judge went to Eton with you. Instead, SNP members face the most brutal of prison conditions, being a cell-mate with a Glaswegian murderer, addicted to heroin infused offal and deep-fried short bread.

Their lawyer remarked: 'My clients will only answer questions on financial corruption, if those questions are in Gaelic and uttered by a Taggart lookalike.'

A police-spokeswoman added: 'On the issue of financial irregularity, our suspicions were raised when the SNP tried to pass off fake bank notes. How were we to know that's what Scottish money looks like?'

Scottish Grand National in chaos as police horse makes several arrests

National Treasure, a 71-year-old gelding tipped to win Scotland’s greatest steeplechase, has been pulled-over in the final furlong and taken in for questioning.

The 8-1 favourite was being ridden by wee jockey Nicola Sturgeon, who leapt out of the saddle moments before the police horse came alongside. The intervention should have left the field wide open for Fiddler on the Hoof, a 58-year-old stallion, but he fell at the notorious hurdle known as Sticky Fingers Brook.

Just Stop Oil protesters were left feeling dazed and confused when the race came to a sudden stop. Dozens of jockeys ran for cover and left the ground wearing sunglasses and false moustaches.

Scottish seat of government moved to HMP Edinburgh

It has been decided that since so many high ranking members of the SNP are under police investigation, but this probably won’t stop Scots voting for them, the simplest thing is to make HMP Edinburgh the official seat of the Scottish government.

It’s thought votes and press conferences will now be held in the visiting area, to allow those SNP MSPs not yet in prison to take part as well.

The move will involve some changes of nomenclature, a party spokesman admitted today. Party Treasurer Colin Beattie will now become Head of the Escape Committee, whereas former Chief Executive (and Nicola Sturgeon’s husband) Peter Murrell will henceforth be known as “the daddy of B wing”.

The spokesman denied there was anything suspicious about Sturgeon visiting her husband using the motorhome they allegedly bought with party funds, and it definitely wasn’t part of an escape attempt. He also confirmed that her wig would be thoroughly searched, both on the way in and the way out.

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