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Experts in the mating habits of politicians are doubtful whether the former Tory leader can continue procreating indefinitely. "He has an overwhelming compulsion to spread his genes", explains Richard Dawkins, "but finding a suitable partner becomes more of a challenge for a man pushing 60, especially one who seems to sleep in his suit and have his hair cut by Stevie Wonder".
Biologists have been carefully monitoring Boris's philoprogenitive ways for the last 30 years, concerned that he could eventually swamp the English biosphere with Bojo clones. "We don't know what reproductive strategy he'll try next", David Attenborough whispers, sneaking after the bicycling blond with his wildlife camera. "We've established that Tories can't lay eggs, but there's still the fission option or surrogacy".
Meanwhile, ecologists are alarmed at the news that Boris has promised his Daily Mail readers that he'll be taking a tour of Britain "to test the facilities" at the country's sperm banks.
Scientists at the Australian University of Woop-Woop have successfully created artificial vegetables starting only with meat.
This means that veggie-reluctant people can now eat lookalike vegetables without worrying about the impact of nitrate fertilisers, insecticides or of the amount of water used to grow them. The vegetables are created in the laboratory by an entirely unnatural process using various different meats as input.
The researchers initially concentrated on the larger vegetables, because everything is big in Australia. Large carrots, parsnips and marrows have been manufactured from wallaby meat, for example. Courgettes have been made from cow meat (and the staff jokingly refer to them as ‘cowgettes’). Peas and sweetcorn have proved more challenging because of their small size – but staff are hopeful that trials using meat from smaller animals – including shrews and grasshoppers – might bear fruit. So to speak.
Volunteers have been involved in taste tests and say that all of the artificial vegetables are satisfyingly meaty and particularly tasty with gravy. Vegetarians have cautiously welcomed these innovations. They believe that its fair for meat eaters to have vegetable substitutes in the same way they enjoy meat substitutes.
The researchers are currently working on a new project to address global drought, by creating artificial water from surplus wine.
Image: Shutterbug75 - Pixabay
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