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Members of the Institute of Physics have agreed on a declaration, following a boozy and rather fractious lunch at The Ivy, that has been both hailed as historic and dismissed as weak. Here are the big takeaways:
In the first law, an object may be able to change its motion even if no force acts on it, providing the prevailing economic conditions support such a move.
In the second law, the force on an object will no longer be equal to its mass times its acceleration, but will be phased in over a period, to be agreed some time in future.
In the third law, when two objects interact, they apply forces to each other of equal magnitude and opposite direction but only if the larger object ,and all its allies, agree.
Politicians say the document did not go far enough for world leaders, who don't believe a word scientists say anyway.
Mouthy mutation 'Covid-19 Omicron Pirola BA.2.86' has reared its ugly head. So hideous is this new variant, that gropey slimeball Matt Hancock is not resistant to its charmlessness.
'He just couldn't help himself,' said a security camera obviously placed where everyone but Hancock could have seen him coming. 'He took one look at Pirola and it was love at first tonguing.
'Like Hancock, I'm quite low resolution, so the vomit was limited. Well, at least until he couldn't help showing Pirola around and walked into a Norfolk care home with it on his arm.
'Hopefully this time, the public will listen to virologists who know what they are talking about, and not government ministers "following the science" about as much as they want the delayed Covid Inquiry to find them grossly negligent.'
- Matt Hancock's autobiography "Mostly Charmless" is available in all good binshops
Image: Newsbiscuit
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