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NewsBiscuit has gained access to a draft press release, showing the proposed new multi-word ratings categories for Ofsted inspections.
In the draft, spokesman for Ofsted, Biff Flashman, is quoted as saying, 'we have listened to feedback from ministers and schools and agree that the one-word categories could be regarded as insensitive and lacking clarity.
'These updated ratings will help us improve communication with our stakeholders, while retaining a robust inspection service and preventing Post Office Inspectors from teasing us and calling us “Sofsted.'
The new multi-word ratings are as follows:
• Inadequate, you f***ing muppets, clear your desks NOW!
• Requires improvement, so put down your Guardian and start polishing that CV, tw*t.
• Good but don’t think we won’t get you next time, woke w**kers
• Outstanding. We’ll have to “try harder” for the next one, and we’re not going to tell you when it is.
Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash
As the nation bores more holes in their belts to enable them to be tightened ever further and 30p Lee’s spending advice on nutritious meals fails to get traction, the Education Secretary believes that children are starving because their parents had a poor education in geometry under the last Labour government and are therefore lacking the skills to provide the three square meals a day that nutritionists say are essential.
“It really doesn’t matter how large a meal is, so long as it’s square” she told a Mumsnet group during a bingo intermission. “There is no reason whatsoever that pizzas have to be round and it doesn’t take too much effort to seek out the square ones. If the demand for square pizzas goes up, you can be certain that market forces will adapt to ensure most pizzas are square and circular pizzas will become novelties.”
She added that the packaging industry can step up to the mark too, by making square ready meal containers instead of the more familiar oblong ones and the shit and sugar they contain won’t just be equally nutritious, it will probably taste better too.
Food technology teachers are to undergo rigorous retraining under the direction of their maths colleagues to plan how to teach parents attending night school classes how to construct food in the shape of a plane figure with four equal sides and four right angles. Since most plates are circular, they will also learn how to calculate the size of an inscribed square in a circle of known radius to ensure the meals fit the plates.
The Mumsnet audience the Education Secretary spoke to said they thought it was about time the government did something to prevent their kids starving, but asked whether they would get reimbursed for the cash they’d lose from their second jobs if they had to attend night school.
Newsbiscuit asked a mathematician for his thoughts on the plan and was told he wasn’t expert in nutritional matters, but it doesn’t help when the Education Secretary refers to rectangles as oblongs and circles as rounds, however he did say he would consult Euclid's Elements again to see if it mentions any snacks he may have consumed when writing the series of 13 books.
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