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The Schools Minister has told Newsbiscuit that no other government in the world has identified more crumbling schools in danger of imminent collapse than the current Conservative one, so it’s an achievement the government is very proud of.



“Every year since the Conservatives came to power in 2010, we’ve added more deathtraps to the list” he said. This isn’t something the Labour party will tell you they did and it’s important that people know at the next election, that the Labour party never even made a list of crumbling schools.”



When asked why nothing was done to address the risk these schools present to the lives of children and staff, the balding twat said “Obviously the current government can’t be held to account for what happened under the Cameron, May, Johnson and Truss governments and we have to move on, but what I will say is they worked hard to enable Britain to exit the EU and enjoy all the benefits that brought.”



We asked when he anticipated the closed schools would be able to reopen but were told it’s impossible for him to say, because an election will be happening at some time and if the voters are fickle enough to vote for a different government, the matter would be out of their hands and in any case, it depends on how long it would take to import the materials required for the repairs to be carried out.



Not wanting your child to be crushed to death by collapsing concrete school structures has been condemned as 'woke' and 'elf and safety gorn mad'.



Professionally furious man Derek Drummond said 'When I was at school, we were encouraged to play and jump around structurally unsound buildings until they collapsed into jagged construction material. I used to love all those sharp concrete edges, rusty steel wires just ready to impale the unwary. In my day, concrete walls fell on school children every week and we just got on with it. Except my best friend Ian. He never got on with it. Ever again. It made me the cold, unfeeling bastard I am today.'



Mum of 2 Francesca Fraser said 'At this point in the summer holidays, I don’t care how dangerous it is, I just need them out of the house. They’ve had their tetanus jabs, I’m sure it’ll be fine. Look, Mummy needs her morning wine served with a little less judgment, OK?'



Teaching assistant Karolina Krychowiak added 'Extra holidays baby! I’ll chisel away at the concrete myself if it means an extra few days away from those entitled little shitbags.'



Builder Luke Lyle sucked his teeth before saying 'Oof. You’ve had some cowboys in here mate – it’s gonna cost you. Raac - at least it wasn't Raab. I don’t suppose Matt Hancock is dishing out the contracts is he?'



'For the last time, RAAC is not us. Please, please stop calling.' wept a beleaguered spokeswoman for the RAC. 'We handle breakdowns of cars, not breakdowns of  the country’s educational infrastructure.'


Hat-tip modelmaker


Just when you thought this summer holiday could not get any longer, it turns out there is still a week of unrelenting madness left. Parents up and down the land are reaching for the prozac and the adoption papers. We are now down to the last shreds of dignity and the start of a potential murder hunt.



'I love my children, just not enough to actually spend any time with them,' explained one twitching father. 'I'd booked myself a nice, relaxing holiday and then these little f$ckers just turned up. What next? I have to feed them?'



Ironically children are lamenting their last week of freedom, with many aware this is their last chance to wear the same pair of socks six weeks in a row. Said one kid. 'It's the best time of your life, if you ignore all the crying adults.'


Image:Pixabay/yogendras31

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