Grandad's Santa performance at primary school nominated for a BAFTA

Eric Siddings, 66, has been nominated for a BAFTA after producing a career defining performance as Santa at the local primary school.

'My last acting gig was aged ten as a surprisingly smooth-chinned Jesus at the school performance of the Last Supper,' said Siddings at a press conference today.  'I used my own beard,' the grey-chinned retired project manager added.  He explained how he'd stopped trimming his beard for the last two months, smoothing it down with engine oil in an attempt to ensure the children at the school didn't work out his ruse when he collected his grandchildren. 

'On the day of the performance I went full method, bulking myself with a folded one-tog duvet around the midriff and spiking my beard with lard from the fridge to access my inner Michael Sheen,' he said.  Early reviews included three children who had changed their mind about the existence of Santa, two who did believe reconsidering and an unknown number understood to be consulting with their legal teams.  Apparently, Christmas Day presents from Santa will determine whether multiple breaches of contract will be submitted.

'I think it went rather well,' said Siddings, shrugging the red suit off.  'I hope so because I don't want to spend the next fifty years waiting for the phone to ring.'

'We're sick of explaining basic sh*t to Prime Ministers' sigh class of 7-year-olds

Miss Sherwood's class of 6 and 7-year-olds are fed up. This is the third time in two years that they have had to explain to another Prime Minister why it's not a good idea to do that.

'They keep popping round and pestering us,' sighed Chloe Bright of 3C. 'My best friend Millie has had to put up with this stupidity since she was four. They flounce in here like they own the place, but they don't even know the basics. That one with the silly blond hair wasn't even paying attention. He was just sitting there with a perplexed expression on his face. If we didn't tell him why it was not the best move to pick his bottom with his finger and lick it, then the photographers would have had a field day.

'And that nauseating woman... she didn't even understand the fundamentals of macro economics. They should have put her in the special class we are not allowed to talk about.

'Now this new one who is even smaller than Jamie, he's all chirpy and everything and at least pretends like he understands. But when his adult chums say something so dim that it makes you want to repeatedly smash your face on your desk, he doesn't correct them. He just pretends what they said was OK, like he doesn't know that sort of talk will get the rest of us in a whole heap of trouble. Why doesn't he realise that if he doesn't act, they're just going to carry on saying stupider and stupider stuff until we're all toast? If you can't communicate with others in a normal way or even dress yourself properly, then you shouldn't be allowed outside among other people, never mind try to run a country.

'Where do they get them from? Whichever school these numpty-dumpties went to, it should be shut down immediately.'

Image: CDC (@cdc) | Unsplash Photo Community

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