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Annual report card - R Sunak




Westminster School Annual Report



Name: Sunak, R





Individual Grades



Economics Grade C


Good understanding of key concepts but not so clear on the impacts. Less concerned than most about the rising prices in the Tuck Shop but when they stabilised again, tried to claim the credit. Sometimes blamed students from a rival house when his marks were lower than expected.



Environmental Studies Grade D


Didn’t always turn up for classes and appears to have a relaxed attitude toward deadlines. While he attended this year’s field trip to Dubai, he wanted to travel on his own flight rather than with the rest of the class.



Games Grade B-


Not always very participatory. Wouldn’t join in with swimming, saying his own pool was “better”. In rowing, needed to focus more on his role (as cox), rather than shouting at smaller boats trying to join the race.



Personal appearance Grade A+


Exemplary. Always neat and tidy. Even though a senior student, still appears happy to wear shorts.



Woodwork Grade C


Continues to employ tools inappropriately.


Headmaster’s summary


Master Sunak took over as Head Pupil under difficult circumstances, when the previous incumbent was sacked after using school funds for gambling. He was very clear at the start of the year as to what he wanted to achieve and I believe these results show satisfactory progress towards these ends.


R Murdoch, Headmaster


Social Development summary


Showed exemplary ability to get on with some pupils who had behavioural problems and who have since been excluded or suspended. However, unfortunately blamed our overworked but popular School Nurse for the lack of beds and the number of pupils waiting for treatment.


I R Woake, Head of Pastoral Development Team







Schools forbidden from using pronouns until kids learn verbs



Government guidance will make it impossible for children to socially transition if they have not mastered basic grammar and arithmetic. Said the Schools’ Minister: ‘You cannot expect primary students to distinguish between ‘he’ and ‘she’ if they cannot spell dog or cat. No one gets to be transgender until they can tie their own shoelaces.’


A recent study showed that most confusion over pronouns was due to the fact that no kid under thirteen knew what the f$ck a fronted adverbial was. Students will now be banned from using alternate toilets until they have learnt to wash their hands, wipe their own arse and work the fancy hand dryer.


Under the new plan, Teaching Staff will not be expected to use gender-based pronouns for students if they have religious objections or they cannot spell themselves. ‘Parents need to be part of this process because £10 says they think pansexual is someone who likes skillets. He/She/They – it’s all meaningless if you can’t hold a pen properly. And anyone caught transitioning behind the bike sheds will be put in detention and made to write out their pronouns and all 81 genders - in Latin!’




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