Boris whistled in admiration at "I watched porn by accident" claim

The Prime Minister has applauded Neil Parish for saying he'd "been watching porn by accident".

"Come on now", said Mr Johnson, "The balls of the man - even I wouldn't have the nerve to claim that; I'd have made up some story about picking up someone else's phone by mistake or doing spot checks on whether the House of Commons wifi blocks adult sites. But to say that he 'accidentally' typed 'big boob bonkers' into Google then spent 10 minutes staring at the resulting video takes real cajonies."

Mr Parish has been tipped for a new cabinet post of "Minister for Alternative Reality"

No Westminster misogyny for hussies or strumpets

‘Westminster has no misogyny problem’ snorted one unnamed male Tory MP slapping a passing woman on the arse. ‘As long as the skirts know their place – over my knee for a spanking – those strumpets are more than welcome.’

Angela Rayner meanwhile is set to alter her typical Commons wardrobe, going full Moulin Rouge, with an ornate figure-hugging basque, fishnet stockings and a mask like she’s at a Venetian ball. Taking a riding crop into PMQs, she will purr sultrily 'Who's been a naughty boy then?' A few Tory front benchers might sheepishly raise their hands – taking them out of their pants in the process. However, none would dare stand at the despatch box.

Michael Gove, who had co-incidentally worn an outfit identical to Rayner’s, was seen fleeing back to his office, mascara smudged by tears.

Image from Pixabay:

https://pixabay.com/photos/woman-lingerie-bra-underwear-sexy-2616801/

Andrew's covers album hoped to generate income