Boris Johnson hits back furiously following 'BloJo' incident

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has attempted to deflect from his role in the steamy scenario described in yesterday’s Private Eye magazine in which an MP, believed to be Gavin Williamson, walked into Johnson’s office when he was Foreign Secretary and found him being given noisy oral relief by his current wife Carrie Johnson, then plain Carrie Symonds.

Johnson, however, was still married to his second wife, Marina, at the time the alleged scenario took place.

Shortly after the incident, now being given the social media hashtag, #blojo, Symonds was in return given a job by Johnson with a salary of £100,000 per annum. The inference being made by ‘The Eye’ is that she was appointed to the position for ‘services rendered’

However, in typical forthright, rumbustious style, Johnson sought to explain away the accusation, telling newsmen: ‘No story happened. It wasn’t my cock. I’m sorry, it was my cock. I’m not sorry it was my cock. It was a work blow. Let’s wait for Sue Gray. Let’s wait for the Met Police. Let’s wait for the Parliamentary Standards Committee. Let’s move on. The people’s priority is to move on. It's all fluff. I’m getting on the job.’

Gavin Williamson was approached for comment but his office said that he’s currently unavailable while he continues to recover from the long-term effects of an eye-bleaching episode following the event.

Image from Pixabay by Tumisu

https://pixabay.com/photos/sexuality-banana-kiss-lipstick-6182995/

MP’s only wrongdoing was ‘groping on weeknight reserved for leering and coercive texting’

Guardians of Tory Propriety and Masters of Ceremonial Sleaze, including Mark Garnier, Stephen Crabb and Damian Green, have not at all downplayed Christopher Pincher’s drunken groping of two men on Wednesday night as a 'minor infraction of social intercourse etiquette'.

Garnier, also known as Mixmaster Sugartits, did not in any way confirm: ‘As laid down in the 'Party? PartAAAY!' constitution by Sir Craigwell Davidston, 3rd Viscount of Southampton and whipper-in with the Hampshire Dry Humpers, during the week one may use parliamentary privilege to force a liaison on Monday, moving onto casual drink-spiking on Tuesday, but non-consensual groping is improper before Thursday. Wednesday should be limited to lewd texting of one’s Honourable Member, while Friday is traditionally persistent recreational upskirting and frottage on the commute home to one’s constituency.’

‘Obviously pretty much anything is permitted on Saturday and Sunday,’ Stephen “check out THIS red box!” Crabb, did not add a little too enthusiastically. ‘But - and I cannot stress this enough - only if the parliamentary offices and equipment regularly used for such are wiped clean of lube, xylazine, and Banana Nesquik. They tend to clog up the photocopiers, and it's clear staffers are down on their knees enough as it is. Incest and bestiality should really be confined to deeply rural constituencies, where it’s pretty much de rigueur.’

Asked whether Pincher, who managed to climb back up the greasy pole - allegedly multiple times according to fellow “Late Voting Nite” revellers - after facing serious sexual misconduct allegations in 2017, should fall on his own sword, Damian “quick, close the browser” Green looked shocked and definitely didn't say: ‘If he retains the lower back flexibility to do that at his age, I’d be surprised, impressed, and deeply envious.’

Never a dull moment