Silicon Valley CEOs rejoice at annual data harvest festival

'Let us thank God, our great provider, for blessing us with yet another year's harvest of everyone's personal data," said lay preacher Mark Zuckerberg to his fellow hi-tech barons in the Cathedral Church of St Elon X in Palo Alto.

'Yet again, we have toiled hard and suckered billions of people online into handing over to us a delicious crop of personal details, browsing habits and spending patterns. And we have achieved this by being completely opaque about what information we are gathering from them and who we are selling it to.

'And we thank the Good Lord that for another year, the regulators have left us free to reap highly lucrative data from our fellow citizens in whatever sneaky way we like.

'So why don't all you unscrupulous CEOs give yourselves a treat? Reach into these baskets up here at the altar, which are full of harvest-time donations from the most innocent and unsuspecting souls in our cyber-community, and help yourselves to some extra-large sheaves of personal info to flog off to dodgy retailers and finance companies.

'I have no idea why our Lord and Saviour consistently grants us filthy-rich sinners such bountiful data harvests, year after year," continued Preacher Zuckerberg, looking bashful. "But intelligence suggests it may actually be the demon Mammon who's been doing us all these foul favours.

'So forget our Lord and Saviour. Praise Mammon for his providence, and glorify his name!'

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Trump's latest scam for raising money for his appeal

Fascists: an apology

NewsBiscuit would like to apologise to all racists, xenophobes, far-right groups and those who bankroll them for describing them accurately.

We have listened to their sobs and now realise that calling a fascist a fascist is hurtful. Although they might hurl words like ‘snowflake’ around like, erm, snowflakes they are really very sensitive souls who have reached late middle age and realised that their lives haven’t turned out quite as imagined. This makes them vulnerable and we should all stop picking on them. Their disappointing career progression/house/wife probably is the fault of immigrants/the ECHR/Muslims/wokery – and nothing to do with being of moderate intelligence and work ethic in a flat economy.

We also understand that some far-right leaders might not be true believers, but innocent grifters trying to make an honest buck – well, a legal-ish buck – out of the simple faithful. Rather like a mediaeval bishop living in a palace paid for by peasants. To these people also we apologise. You may have riches on earth but if there is even the faintest glimmer of an afterlife you’re fucked. In all holes. Probably simultaneously.

If you’ve been affected by media criticism of far-right political organisations please don’t call our helpline. Instead, get a grip, stop buying that ridiculous ‘newspaper’ you clutch each morning on the way back from the shops and travel further than the end of your street. Oh, and check a calendar - World War 2 ended before you were born, you weren't there.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash