top of page
Search

Grenfell inquiry concludes Satan's minions did it

The seven year, 1700 page report spelt out that it was evil m$therf$ckers that let 72 people burn to death. Cladding manufacturing firm Arconic was identified as a dissembling sack of putrified fish heads - 'a fobbing, lumpish, misbegotten piece of ar$e baggage', 'a bladder-faced ill-nurtured hedge-pig!'...or words to that effect.


Having lied, lied and lied some more Arconic knowingly put lives at risk, and also advised the crew of Titanic that this was not iceberg season. The inquiry labelled the government and the firms it contracted as dishonest and incompetent - and those were just the good one. Overall, it painted a bleak picture of absolute evil, which would have made Sauron blush with shame.


One CEO identified as complicit said: 'Obviously I feel bad about what has happened. But the most important thing is to learn from what has happened and to realise I am too rich to go to prison. Mwhahahahah!'





Satan shocked by Post Office actions



Satan, the Chair and Chief Executive of Hell, is shocked by the Post Office’s actions in prosecuting sub-postmasters and expressed sympathy with victims of the scandal and their families. 


He says that he originally believed that the British Post Office was managing the prosecutions ‘competently and honestly’. Over time, however, it became clear that they had ‘cocked it all up, big time’.


The Prince of Darkness sent us the following statement from his hotmail account.


‘I am shocked by the Post Office's actions in prosecuting so many innocent people. It is right that there is a public inquiry to investigate and I hope that their report will add to my limited understanding of what has happened.


‘When people pass on, I do get first dibs on anyone who has been to prison, or has a criminal conviction. I’ve been sent a number of sub-postmasters on this basis, but frankly, they have wasted my time. They were all good, kind and well meaning people – pillars of their community – and exactly the sort of folk that make me feel physically ill. There’s no way that I can let them into Hell. They would be a total buzz kill. I sent them all upstairs.'


Image: Photo by Vitaliy Shevchenko on Unsplash

At least they stopped calling me Keith, says Sir Kid Starver


Friends of Keir Starmer have hailed his new rebrand as a triumph for 'sensible' politics and rickets. Having dismissed any pledge to tackle child poverty, Sir Keir went on to say he would happily strangle puppies provided Twitter stops calling him Keith.


An aide commented: 'When Thatcher got labelled a milk snatcher, it didn't hurt her image - everyone already thought she was Satan incarnate. Keir's biggest problem is being called boring, so killing kids should make him a real Edge Lord.'


The aide insisted that kids dying of malnutrition was a load of fuss about nothing. 'The simplest way for a child to avoid poverty is to purchase shares in the NHS, once we've finished privatising it.'



bottom of page