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The UK government plans to commandeer Santa’s sleigh to send asylum seekers to Rwanda. In a shock move, Rishi Sunak said he was fed up with all the dithering surrounding his flagship policy and that the time had come for serious action.
'I’m dreaming of a flight Christmas,' the prime minister was reported to have told reporters at a press conference in Winter Wonderland.
'Do they know it’s Christmas? They will do when they’re sitting on Santa’s sledge. Santa Claus is coming to Kigali – it’s a case of "Jingle Cells".'
The idea for the so-called Santa-Rwanda clause is thought to have come up when Cabinet members swapped their annual Secret Suella gifts at a meeting last week. It’s not known exactly how the sleigh will be snatched, though sources at the Ministry of Defence said an SAS unit has been put on stand-by.
A spokesman for the Migrants Are Cool campaign group said not only was it inhumane to cram asylum seekers on to a small sledge, but the planned move would wreck Christmas.
'If this goes ahead, millions of children will wake up with nothing in their stockings. That’s almost as bad as having to listen to a Mistletoe and Wine/Saviour's Day/Millennium Prayer Cliff Richard megamix.'
Image: Newsbiscuit
A copy of a letter from Nigel Farage to Rishi Sunak has been leaked:
Dear Rishi,
I've been very disturbed to hear that a foreigner is being allowed to drive a sleigh into our sovereign lands and abuse the sanctity of our chimneys, which were designed for boys to climb up with sweeping brushes not for fat men to climb down with toys. I would therefore like to insist that we introduce a bill that would intercept these sleighs over the North Sea and send this Santa bloke to Rwanda, while his presents would be confiscated and distributed to the children of my dear friend Boris. We will also ban any teaching about people who weren't British so unfortunately that means Xmas will be permanently canceled until Jesus comes back as an Englishman and Mary is discovered to have been a secret cockney who got lost while on a knees-up in Benidorm.
Yours,
Nige.
A copy of a letter from Farage directly to Santa has not yet come to light.
Author: satchmo76
Image: Newsbiscuit
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