Santa under fire for using drones

The skies over New Jersey have been filled with weaponized little helpers. Rather than a traditional sleigh, Santa has out-sourced his job to a branch of the Pentagon, with the codename - Slay Shells Sting, Are You Listening.

The drones are programmed to drop parcels down the chimney if you have been good, and Semtex if you have been naughty. Test runs have already been done in Gaza, but according to the CIA everyone was on the naughty list.

Americans were alarmed to see the drones, but not so alarmed as Rudolf, who only then found out he had been sacked - Xmas sacked. Said one General: 'Its lovely weather for a sleigh ride together for two, but it's also a perfectly clear sky for a surgical strike on your nearest and dearest. Come dasher, come dancer, come FIM-92 Stinger.'

https://pixabay.com/photos/comedian-face-performance-comic-2125295/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

Ho ho... NO!

Beverage giant, Coca Cola, has been slammed by a hapless Hertfordshire small businessman over a UK version of its Christmas advert featuring a convoy of twenty-five articulated lorries making a seasonal delivery of its iconic brand.

Trevor Oldroyd, owner of Trev's Minimarket in Watford said: 'It was lovely at first when I was chosen for the new ad. When the film crew set up all the Christmas lights and decorations outside the shop it looked really fantastic.

’Especially when the the snow machine was switched on, but when the choir started singing "holidays are coming, holidays are coming" and those lorries arrived and offloaded four hundred pallets of Coke it was total chaos. The cops had to close the road, and the council shut down my shop.

'I've now been issued with a summons for causing an illegal obstruction and breach of the peace. The cost of it all is going to put me out of business. Merry Christmas, Coca Cola? Merry Christmas my fucking arse.'

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Rooney quits Plymouth to take on Christmas job as store Santa

Wayne Rooney shocked the football world last night when he sensationally quit the manager's post at low-flying Plymouth Argyle to become a temporary Santa Claus. The ex-Manchester United wunderkind said he can no longer ignore his destiny. 'I've been growing into the ideal face for Father Christmas ever since I hit 30. Now is the time to make it official.'

The grizzly soccer boss, who'd noticeably whitened his beard of late, said his agent had been inundated with offers from competing department stores. 'When Harrods come calling, you don't say no. They are still the benchmark for big department stores.' The premier league department store has been reeling from the scandal surrounding former boss Mohammed al Fayed, currently entering Jimmy Saville territory in terms of numbers and retrospective repulsiveness.

'It's the smart move,' says Plimpton Shrew, chief market analyst for Shrew Binary Market Annaleptics. “There's no better way to bounce back from having a world historical sex offender for an owner than with a celebrity Santa.' Rooney is the first ex-footballer to move from the sport to the grotto since Billy Bremner was hired as a yuletide elf by an ambitious Asda in 78.

But others are unconvinced Rooney will fit seamlessly into the Harrods team. 'Wayne Rooney will be talking to a lot of rich kids from the shires who simply won't understand that scouse accent,' said sources close to a concerned Alan Hansen. 'The move looks good on paper. But there could be hot childrens' tears if he's unintelligible.' Injury could also be a problem. Towards the end of his career, Rooney suffered repeated knee issues. The downward force on his lateral meniscus of several hundred 2 to 9 year olds during the coldest month of the year could put him out of the pudgy, red nosed, overweight gift-giving imitation business permanently. Ho ho ho.

Image: WixAI