Man bemoans yet another low trade-in car valuation

A Colchester man has been left rueing his long run of bad fortune with cars after receiving yet another low valuation from a car showroom when attempting to part-exchange his vehicle. Peter Jones was left reeling after obtaining a quote of less than half the figure he had got from webuyanycar.com for his 2017 Renault Clio.

'I've been really unlucky with each of the four cars I've owned, that's for sure', said Jones, dejectedly. 'Every time, the poor salesman has had to deliver some bad news to me, completely out of the blue. Back in 2010 it was my Fiesta. I really had no idea that their value depreciated the most between the third and fourth year of ownership - trust my luck that I was trading in right in that slot'.

'I factored that in with my next car, a Focus, trading it in after 2 years in 2012', continued Jones. 'The darnedest thing though...the salesman told me that getting parts for Focus's of that particular year were a known industry problem.'

'And then, in 2017, to be told that the second hand market for Minis had collapsed following Brexit. Could happen to anyone I guess'.

'The guys at my dealership really did me proud this time, though', Jones noted with a smile.

'The salesman I was dealing with went off to see his manager, and came back with a part-exchange value £200 more than the one they first offered. I could see the two of them deep in conversation. I hope that act of kindness doesn't affect their monthly sales targets.'

Jones believes his luck with cars may now have changed too. 'My salesman offered me this upholstery protection at £700 on the Qashqai I was buying, so I've pretty much future-proofed the trade in value for this beauty'.

'The market for Qashqai's is pretty solid too. There's a lot of them coming off the assembly lines', continued Jones. 'At least that's what I think the salesman meant when he muttered that there is one born every minute as I left the showroom'.

Image: Photo by Alex Suprun on Unsplash

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‘I can’t seem to see your Christmas puddings.’ Customer beaten to death with pricing gun

Supermarkets have apologised after several members of staff ‘totally lost their shit’ during the festive period. At least a dozen customers were left with life-changing injuries. Police believe staff are being ‘triggered’ by inappropriate comments during busy periods, such as ‘Do you have any of them things… you know, those things. Oh, you know… with the bits in?’

A customer in Durham was beaten with a mop for tapping on the window at 5.30 on Boxing Day morning and mouthing the words ‘are you open?’ to a cleaner. The angry cleaner was shot by armed police, but not before the early bird shopper lost both ears. A disgruntled customer in Newcastle was injured on New Year’s Day for saying ‘You seem to have run out of Easter eggs.’ She died later in hospital.

One supermarket manager said: ‘It’s been a complete bloodbath these past few days. I’ve had to put yellow cones out to stop people slipping on gore and entrails. Health and safety remains our number one priority.’

Police have asked customers to avoid using these key ‘trigger’ comments.

1. ‘Will you be open during the apocalypse?’

2. ‘Do you sell fireworks?’

3. ‘Excuse me, I know you’re balancing a pallet of highly volatile nitro-glycerine and a pyramid of overflowing champagne glasses on your head, but can you point me to the scented candles aisle?’

4. ‘Martin Lewis shall hear of this! I demand an apology, a voucher, and a blow job.’

5. ‘Got any Prime? Me need Prime. Prime good. Me need Prime good.’

The government has called a special meeting of COBRA in response to the attacks. Shelf-replenishers have had their pricing gun licenses revoked, and all staff have been given Valium and Prozac to make them more ‘relatable’ to mouth-breathing customers.

Boris Johnson heavily discounted in Black Friday sale

Conservative Central Office has announced its Black Friday sales are now on, with government access, laws, Lordships and Boris Johnson all up for sale.

A Tory grandee spluttered: ‘Obviously Boris is depreciating, but we think he could still do a job in the private sector. Maybe as Telegraph columnist or a right-wing children’s clown? If you buy him you might get buyer’s remorse though – he’s still referring to it as Piccaninny Friday.’

Several Tory MPs were recently forced to leave their glamorous Winter Ball fundraiser to vote through a cap on social care that would ensure only poor people lose their homes. An unnamed Tory MP said ‘I love capping welfare spending, especially when it keeps the oiks in their place, but it’s rude to interrupt my schmoozing. I take my donations in Cayman Islands dollars. Cox has ruined the Virgins.’

image from pixabay

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