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A report printed in Nature has analysed the likelihood of tripping up and falling out of a high-rise building, a phenomenon generally considered unlikely due to building regulations around the world making accessing the exterior of high rise buildings extremely difficult, as evidenced by Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible episodes 1 - 10.
'We concluded that, in general, a person could trip up in virtually any high-rise building in the world and suffer, at most, a broken nose and some embarrassment, but apparently for a subset of persons of Russian origin, particularly those who had risen to the top of political, scientific or military stature, the probability of tripping, breaching glazing units designed to withstand a tree accelerated at speeds associated with tornados using only their unusually pre-crushed skulls was related to their public and possibly private misgivings about the special military operation in Ukraine.
'Luckily this phenomenon appears to apply only to the Russian elite,' concluded the article author who is survived by his spouse and two children following a tragic fall from a high-rise building alongside his Nature editor.
A Russian sausage tycoon and senior politician in Vladimir Putin's government has 'gone missing' in a fall from a hotel window in India. Local police chief Alexsei Ivanov concluded within moments that there were no suspicious circumstances.
'This sort of thing happens all of the time,' reassured Ivanov, 'particularly at Savaloy Palace Hotels around the world. All causes are clearly natural and there is nothing to investigate. Especially considering that another member of his party misplaced his life a couple of days ago at the same hotel. When it comes to odd things happening to sausage tycoons, we never find any links.'
A dubious eyewitness indicated that the tycoon screamed 'chipolataaaaaaaagh!' all of the way down, before vanishing completely, or walking away unharmed. 'I think he failed to grasp the gravity of his situation,' said the witness, before stepping back into an improbable shadow.
A second dubious eyewitness emerged from the same improbable shadow to report, 'I am just on holiday to visit the 123 metre high Savaloy Palace Hotel with my manfriend who is also not gay.'
The always truthful, dependable and credible Kremlin clarified that the tycoon is alive and well, has disappeared in unmysterious circumstances, and also never existed. 'Several tycoons have died. Five at a push,' said a senior Kremlin spokesman. 'We cannot be expected to take care of every billionaire who has criticised Vladimir Putin The Great's special activities in the Russian State of Ukraine, and then suddenly never existed. And we certainly don't look for windows of opportunity.'
Hat tips to: Jack the Quipper, Myke, Ron Cawleyoni, SteveB
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