- Lockjaw
- Jun 13, 2022
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In a bold move to show Western Europe and the US how little economic sanctions have affected Russia, Vladimir Putin today announces that to utilise the ever increase stockpiles of Russian gas, the state will provide every citizen, street, hamlet and road their own patio heater.
To mock the wests refusal to use Russian gas, whilst claiming that millions of citizens will face fuel poverty, the newly installed patio heaters will be switched on 24/7/365 in a move that is intended to give every part of Russia “a balmy July evening in the Med feeling” that will be the envy of the whole world, the scheme will also be offered to their allies and close neighbours.
Putin also unveiled that the surplus of gas will also mean that all Russians will receive an LPG dividend, and that work is underway to show how easily homegrown Russian LPG can be used to feed the nation, a cook book called “Cooking with gas - 1001 recipes that use LPG” will be produced.
Kremlin officials today have outlined that the Special Operations mission in Ukraine has been beleaguered by an over reliance on faulty Sat Nav technology.
Since February 2022 the advance on strategic targets in Ukraine has been halted by fierce Ukrainian opposition and the unnamed Russian Sat Nav of choice taking their troops down several cul de sacs and leaving their forces stranded from essential supply lines and fully disconnected from the rest of the invading forces.
One unnamed Russian soldier said “its really frustrating trying to invade, when the voice of Nigel Havers is trying to give you directions to Sebastopol in South Wales”, he went on and claimed that they have been directed to Severrnside Industrial estate outside Bristol instead of Sieverodonetsk, Dundee instead of the Donbas region and Keighley instead of Kyiv.
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