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Like a bear betwixt new fish and old honey, the Kremlin is torn between decrying the fall of the Soviet Union and the since besmirched reality that without his extraordinary intervention, Russia would not exist.


Satisfied that the opening paragraph somehow demonises Russia in a way which means the rest of these words will continue to do so, lazy decadent Westerners have elected to read no further. But those whose hearts lie in comradeship and whose minds are driven by reason will know that without Mikhail Gorbachev, the rise of warmongering Generals in East and West, multiplied by the proliferation of nuclear weapons, would have led to mutually assured destruction as surely as a Mk 1 Lada would start on a frozen Ural morning.


Whether by the choice of irrational men with no vision for a third way, or the unintentional error of the infinitely fallible, America would not exist either. Therefore Americans owe their lives not to the oddly heroic gunslinger Ronald Reagan, but to a mind wise enough to think for them both.


And what of the yapping British lapdog, so delusional as to still believe that its 'greatness' would have somehow overcome the annihilation of the fragile biosphere in which it barely survives alongside all others? Margaret Thatcher said of Gorbachev, 'We can do business together.' Vacuous rhetoric with no tangible meaning further than a preparedness to go to the toilet beside him, perhaps?


Even the humble satirist must recognise that without the actions of one extraordinary human, this life would be nought but dust long blown away, these words never to materialise.


Thank you, Mikhail. For everything. Except these unworthy lines.



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Wild, spontaneous and not-at-all-choreographed celebrations have been breaking out in Russia, to celebrate the country’s victory over Gorbachev, the Kremlin-declared breakaway state accused of ‘going traitorously soft’ around the late eighties.


‘For decades we have sought to return this unstable region to the gentle bosom of Mother Russia, with negotiations and proportional incursions of heavily armed troops across its southern flanks,’ said an official spokesperson, waving a flag emblazoned with an hog-tied Gorbachev enthusiastically servicing Margaret Thatcher, Ronald Reagan and Satan. ‘This victory for morality vindicates the thousands of lives sacrificed in vain.’


A delighted Vladimir Putin, who in recent years had referred to Gorbachev only as ‘The Boy Wonder Who Must Not Be Named,’ pointing to the Coca-Cola splash mark on his forehead as evidence of slothful Western decadence, even went so far as to crack one of his trademark beaming scowls, causing several low-ranking Executive members to immediately soil themselves.


While plans continue for a victory parade of phallic-shaped weaponry through Red Square, wasting no opportunity, the Eternal Potentate has already been photographed bestriding Gorbachev’s broken nonagenarian body, sporting only a buttock-enhancing leather bondage harness and grinding an icon depicting David Hasselhoff dry-humping the Berlin Wall to dust between his manly teeth.



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Putin is torn between which Tory candidate is most likely to obliterate the UK, while making Boris Johnson look competent by comparison. Fortunately, the Tory Party is blessed with a glut of idoicy, corruption and comes with it's own self-destruct button.



Moscow said neither Sunak or Truss were sleeper agents, they just act like it. One GCHQ operative confirmed: 'In my experience, the British electorate needs no help in picking the worst of all options. How else do you explain James Corden'.



Admittedly both have made strong cases for their candidacy and a Darwin award. Said one Putin ally: 'They are equally dreadful, but on balance we'll support Liz - as it's funnier'.




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