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Cosmonauts become nightmare flatmates on the International Space Station



Russia has decided to stop all cooperation with western countries on the International Space Station but stopped short of admitting it has instructed its cosmonauts to start behaving like the flatmates from hell.

 

The Americans disagree.

 

It started yesterday morning when Vladimir and Oleg finished the milk in the fridge, which was clearly labelled USA and put the empty carton back.

 

 "I couldn't believe it," said Colonel Gary Sheppard. "They know that I like to have fresh, cold milk on my Frosties every morning, but they are so selfish. They even have loads of their own sterilised milk, like your gran used to get, on their shelf, although it tastes awful on cereal."

 

 "Then they had ASDA's Smartprice fish pie for lunch, and the kitchen smells like the devil's own arse. They didn't open a window, turn on the extractor fan, or even wipe around the microwave with Flash. They're like animals. That Putin has a lot to answer for."

 

 The Cosmonauts deny that they are doing anything on purpose. They claim not flushing the toilet after their traditional Russian asparagus soup party was purely an accident, as was leaving the heating on before going out last Friday night and putting out the wrong bins last Thursday.



First published 4 April 2022



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Putin declares first phase complete as Hogwarts is surrounded



In a surprise tactical change, the Russian army has withdrawn from Ukraine and encircled Hogwarts school, claiming the liberation of a fictional location was their intent all along. 'You can shove your sanctions,' suggested a Russian spokesman, 'once we force Harry Potter to surrender then we will be all powerful.' The UK government has extended sanctions to include all J K Rowling books, but noted that as Hogwarts isn't in NATO it can't intervene, even in literature. 'We might provide a poem or two,' suggested a spokesman from the MoD.


First published 29 March 2022




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