.
top of page
Search
As the quarter finals of the never ending rugby world cup finally come to a conclusion, it is likely a colleague, friend or family member will enquire as to whether you've seen the rugby. We've pulled together a handy list of responses as, let's face it, you know nothing about rugby.
Distraction
If someone approaches you and asks, "See the rugby last night?" You're perfectly within your rights to respond with, "DON'T BE DISGUSTING!" And then explain your outburst with, "Oh sorry. I thought you asked if I liked watching animals have sex." They probably won't ask you anything ever again.
Shame
After being asked counter with, "no, actually, I was glued to CNN keeping up with the world's events. I have no time for triviality when the world is literally burning, Pamela." Use Pamela even if the person isn't called Pamela, it's tremendously effective.
Too much detail
"Yes, although I'm unsure as to whether the blitz defence will serve them well in the next round. They don't have the fitness to maintain it. Perhaps, they should revert to drift with three man pods but no competing at the breakdown. Percentage rugby, isn't it? They'll cough up the ball eventually then we're on. And when you see it's on, it's on." Most people at this point will simply nod and edge away.
Surreal
Flap your hands like a giant albatross and jog away with little jumps as if trying to take off. If you're feeling jolly, add some bird noises. Or maybe even cow noises to further make your point.
Mysterious
Look around furtively and say, "You took your time. Are we all set for the weekend? I've got the money man ready, we just need the guns. Don't screw this up or we're both for it." Then wink in a conspiratorial way and run towards the nearest exit.
Dismissive
Snort, shake your head and say, "rugby" sarcastically as you stride away.
Violent
Demonstrate your superior knowledge by tackling them to the ground and forming a ruck by repeatedly scraping your feet down your inquisitor's back whilst pawing them for an imaginary ball. As soon as someone asks what you're doing jog backwards 10 yards and shout, "SORRY SIR!"
Following the sad news that HS2 will stop at Watford Gap Rishi Sunak is to announce a bold new plan to level up the North by providing an additional two players per rugby team.
‘Look, we know that places with fifteen players per rugby team do well and places with only thirteen are grim hellholes with, you know, Greggs pasty shops and women pushing prams in their pyjamas. We’re going to transform these towns with twenty seven hundred billion pounds of Government money to provide two extra players per team’.
Economists agree that rugby union towns are more prosperous than league towns so the plan is economically valid, though some have questioned whether twenty seven hundred billion is an actual number.
Labour would like to announce a plan to level up the North but every time they say something Fiona Bruce asks them for a fully costed proposal, which kills the mood somewhat.
image from pixabay
bottom of page