Help out in the Great British Turdwatch

'We would like everyone with an hour to spare this weekend to take part in a useful and enjoyable environmental survey called the Great British Turdwatch, said a spokesman for Least Effort, Narrowly Avoiding Prosecution - the industry association for the UK's water companies.

'Just spend 60 minutes taking a walk along a beach or a riverbank near you, or go surfing in the sea, and count the pieces of untreated waste matter that you step in, see floating past you, or swallow.

'Then send your results to us. In the best traditions of turdwatching, you should identify the nature of the excrement you encountered by detailing general impression, size and shape.

'We will collate all your contributions and then keep the results a corporate secret.

'However, we can confidently predict that high performers in the 2024 Turdwatch will be those traditionally turd-rich environments - the lower Thames, Portsmouth, Blackpool and Newquay in Cornwall.

"And don't forget - for every piece of effluent you report we will be adding £10 to your water bill. It's up to you how much of the truth you dare to tell us."

Cats Protection League and RSPB to meet at dawn

It’s a feud which has simmered for almost a century. There have been isolated encounters in the past – a few drive-by spayings and a regrettable incident involving a clockwork mouse and some gelignite - but now the two organisations are going to war.

‘There’s no point us trying to stop bird species going extinct while they’re protecting cats’, a spokesman for the RSPB told us while applying camouflage paint. Mike (not his real name, it’s Samuel) works as a librarian in Colchester. ‘We had hoped to enlist the help of some dog people but they’re staying neutral. Bastards’.

Jenny has volunteered with the Cats Protection League for almost thirty years, and has no children. ‘It’s just “Cats Protection” now, she hissed. ‘We dropped the word ‘League’ twenty years ago. Why can’t you people get anything right?’ She seems miffed about something so I retreat carefully, scanning the floor for random furry friends. Jenny stands in the doorway watching as I stumble down the unkempt path and fumble with the car door. I can’t really explain why I feel nervous but then I look up and every wall has a cat sitting on it, staring directly at me.

‘Their feathered friends won’t help, you know’. Jenny looks smug, confident. ‘Bird people are weak’. A cat jumps down from the nearest wall and brushes past my leg, purring. Then another. I wrench open the door and a ginger tom leaps onto the roof of the car, hissing aggressively. As I drive away the battalion of cats nonchalantly passes in front of me, sauntering out of my path in a display of arrogant mastery of time and space, and I worry about Samuel, sorry, Mike, and his friends. There are going to be a lot of empty bird feeders tomorrow.

Curious Cat Bird - Free photo on Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Burglar numbers falling. People urged to leave bacon fat in gardens

The Royal Society for the Protection of Burglars has urged people with garden sheds to leave out seed balls, lumps of lard, Rolex watches and widescreen TVs to help those light of finger survive the lean winter months. The number of burglars in the UK has fallen by 75% after a cold spell left them struggling to find open windows and empty houses. Robin Toerags and Great Tits could face extinction if temperatures continue to fall.

An RSPB spokesperson said:

‘Burglars rely heavily on the Christmas period to put on an some extra wonga. Sub-zero temperatures mean they are struggling to find items they can easily convert into cash or weed. We urge people to leave a window open so these beautiful little creatures can nick their stuff and shit on their duvets.’

There is some good news for House Martins and Dunnocks. These cheeky little scamps have adopted distraction techniques to get inside the homes of elderly people. Cute video clips of their hilarious antics can be viewed on YouTube.

You can help the RSBP in their important work by buying a wall chart that identifies offenders. You can also take practical steps to ensure they visit your garden on a regular basis. The RSPB has asked people to keep a close eye on their cats. ‘We’ll nick anything,’ the spokesperson said.

Bill Oddie refused to comment.