'Bloody leftie woke snowflake Royal Family' scream Conservatives

Staunch Conservatives are calling the Royal Family 'bloody leftie woke snowflakes' for not being completely behind their crackpot plot to pack pro-Brit people off to Rwanda.

Larry the Downing Street cat, who is now the only thing with a mouth making any sense anywhere near central government, said, 'It's a bit weird really. These Conservatives have been banging on for a couple of centuries about how fawningly royal loyal they are, and now they're suddenly livid with the royals for not being as psychotically vicious as they would currently like.

'It's not just that. Conservatives are supposed to be the party of not changing too much and keeping things nicely in a rut. And here they are tearing up traditions, shredding their own recent agreements, and splitting up the UK quicker than you can say 'Conservative and Unionist Party'.

'And only Conservatives can be trusted with the economy? Have you seen what they've done? Again? The economy is heading south quicker than Jacob Rees-Mogg can stuff his personal wealth anywhere but Britain. Frankly, I'm profoundly ashamed to be associated with this lot in any way. They have the patriotic Union Jack waving promise of a V2 rocket.

'It's all as topsy-turvy as getting me, a cat, in for the purpose of removing rats because I'm naturally predisposed to stalking and killing them, and then finding me licking rats affectionately and leaving them little love notes.'

Image: Pixabay/Ichigo121212

Prince Harry denazifies his wardrobe

Prince Harry has finally gone ahead and chucked out his much-revered Nazi outfit

'It didn't feel right having that thing in my wardrobe. Now and again, it would give a Nazi salute and smack Meghan right in the gob', a source close to the prince indicated that he said. 'I simply can't have that thing swinging around in my closet threatening to invade Europe.'

I tried fobbing it off to Oxfam on Windsor High Street and finally gave it away to a homeless man called Ron who lives behind the shoes and elastic bands recycling bin outside the Tesco's local.'

Royal correspondent and thirty-ninth in line to the throne, Czar Nicholas Witchell, has announced that the royal consent has been given for a replacement uniform. This will be an authentic KGB interrogation officer's outfit purchased directly from the Russian Embassy by the Duchy of Cornwall.'

Image: Pixabay/stevepb

A puzzled child