Government blames Royal Family for election pledge failures

A spokesman for the government has claimed the Royal Family, specifically King Charles and the Princess of Wales, are stopping them from completing their 2019 election pledges.  'There's forty hospitals waiting to be opened,' said the spokesman, 'but with the King's prostate and the Princess supine we can't find enough Royals available to cut the bloody ribbons,' he ranted.  'They offered Prince Andrew, but the Prime Minister's ratings are already at an all-time low, there's no way we can risk that,' he added.

As well as the hospitals, which will sit empty until a suitable date for ribbon cutting can be arranged, there are multiple other improvements that are waiting for the Royal Family to catch up.  'There's twenty thousand potholes in Blackburn Lancashire alone that need filling and resurfacing - no point mixing the tarmac until we know somebody with blue blood can declare the roads drivable again,' he said, 'plus all those new prisons, community centres, libraries we've been saving for election year, all scuppered thanks to the bloody Royals.  

'I suppose the ribbon cutting for the first Rwanda flight will have to wait as well,' he sighed.

Image: Pixabay/ichigo121212

Man almost cares about Royals' surgery

A middle aged man had to check himself yesterday, when he found he almost gave a crap about the royal family.

Dave Garside, 52, of Selby was driving home last night when he heard on the radio news that, yet another royal, has been under the knife.

Dave told our reporter, "It just came on the radio that the Duchess of York, had been in hospital. I started welling up. I thought she might be one of the Big Five, you know like Kate, or Melons Windsor or the other one, you know, Koo Stark."

He continued, "You know, you wait around for a Royal operation and then three come along all at once. I felt for them. A tear came to my eye. Then it runs out it wasn't an important one, but that toe sucking one from back in the day. I'm bitterly disappointed."

A spokesman for Buckingham Palace assured us that all three royals were in good spirits and recovering well. 

Melons Windsor was unavailable for comment and believed to be staying with friends.

Image: Pixabay/ichigo121212

Journalists call for unforeseen death of major royal

The UK press has joined together in calling for another tragic death of a prominent member of the royal family, in order to boost circulation.  This would  result in long running storylines, preferably with a sexual dimension. Some writers have gone so far as to call for the brutal murder of a well known relative of Her Majesty, prompting mourning, outrage, suspicion, contempt and wild theories about how this shocking event could happen in the 21st century.

‘A sad but sordid death as a result of a sex game gone tragically wrong would suit us just fine’ said one journalist, anonymously,  but probably Piers Morgan. ‘This idea really could have legs, with a secret cover up, then a messily slow leak of the disgusting facts, then illicit photographs and videos changing hands for millions of pounds,’ continued the controversial narcissistic truth-bender. ‘A dash of politics could be added with the bloody thumbprint of a celebrity found by top detectives at the scene. Talking to colleagues about this clever fingering, we’ve agreed the top candidates are Donald Trump, Boris Jonson or the bloke with the beard from Hollyoaks. I bags the headline ‘I’ve Got My Bojo Working.’’

Other suggestions for royal deaths include suicide (that minor royal with a thinning hair problem who keeps his head down would make a great ‘my secret shame’ story). Dangerous driving (Should any Royal be allowed behind the wheel, given their free access to unlimited alcohol?) or freak mauling by Royal domestic or farm animal. A favourite headline circulating  among some journalists is ‘Harry trained death-corgi’.

Responding to the idea, a source close to the royals said that the obvious candidate has thought of the idea and already taken precautions, wearing a stab proof vest, employing a food-taster, carrying a concealed weapon, deleting WhatsApp messages and avoiding any kind of pizza.

It’s understood the Palace is adopting the ‘any publicity is good publicity', theory but would not discuss a candidate for what’s already being referred to as ‘this wholly unexpected tragedy, touching the hearts of millions.’

image from pixabay