Kate Middleton robot stuck on Windows Update

What should have been a routine battery replacement, has resulted in an extended offline period for Kate, or as she is called on her warranty 'Diana Vista 2.0'. The robot Princess has not been seen in public for several days, feeding conspiracy theories that she has been replaced, at her children's request, with a PS5.

The Palace has released doctored photographs of the Princess but experts quickly spotted the anomalous alterations to her cuffs and the gigantic laser shooting out of one eye. It is not the first time the Royals have passed an android off as one of their family, Fergie was able to go undetected for years, despite being a cheap knock-off of Metal Mickey.

Kate, however, was meant to be state of the art in terms of tech, with her immaculate complexion and being able to 'Serf the Net' with super-fast browsing speed. Sadly, stuck in a neverending update, the Princess will be decommissioned and refurbished as a Instagram influencer. This leaves the nation without a Princess and William without a sex-robot, unless you count Nicholas Witchell.

Image: Pixabay/geralt

With the King and Kate on sick leave, there’s a shortage of working royals

Nation plunged into crisis as tens of ribbons may go uncut

A wealthy old chap who jumped a queue of 6 million commoners awaiting life saving medical attention has been diagnosed as probably having overdone it on the swan.

All people qualified in medicine have immediately dashed to his attention, because everything he does is so crucially important. 'Imagine the chaos without a rich old gent pointing at things and mumbling vaguely positive appreciation,' screamed a panicking patriot.

When told who might have to take over duties, the patriot removed their own head and placed it on a spike.

Daily Express shares rose 5,000% on the back of a guaranteed 15 news cycles of wall-to-wall panic-inducing speculation, and all crockery production machinery has been instantly retooled to cover emergency production of inflamed prostate mugs.

A US commentator allayed State-side fears by pointing out, 'Americans aren't so dumb as to have an old white man as their leader.'

Image: Wix