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Oompa Loompas respond to old book debate with diss track



Oompa loompa doompety dest

We've got a thing to get off our chest

Oompa loompa doompety day

Though we are small, we've something to say


What do you get when you rewrite old books?

Twitter pile on and cynical looks

Causing a fuss over gender and sex

Wont change the meaning of those texts


Oompa loompa doompety dat

People go bald and are ugly and fat

If you're a writer, take this advice

Stories are best when they're not at all nice


You say that it's bad cos the story's unfair

Tweak the odd word, add a bit here and there

We have to abide by the critical folk

But you don't like it when they say you're 'woke'


Oompa loompa doompety dime

Cancelling's good when it's Amazon Prime

But implications are vast

When you try to censor the past


Stories reflect all the faults of their time

Stop us from thinking that things were are all fine

Didn't you spot when you made us all white

Loompas are less than half your height?


Oompa loompa doompety dune

Learn from the words of this cautionary tune

Cancel culture will go its way too

As the Oompa Loompas surely will do




Full list of sensitively edited books by Roald Legume-Stew



To avoid giving offence, Roald Legume-Stew’s books have been sensitively edited for modern times. Here is a complete list of those cleansed thus far:


James and the Large Botanical Product That Self Identifies as a Peach

Charlie and the Nutritional Ingredient Manufacturing Facility

Fairly Typical Mr/Mrs/Ms/Mx Fox

The EGEP (enormous genial enormous person)

George’s Marvellous Untested Nutritional Supplement

Danny The Citizen of The World

The Wonderful Story of Henry Nutritional Supplement



Offensive content removed from Roald Dahl, leaving 400 blank pages



After a major rehaul to update the author’s work to match modern sensibilities, his publishers were surprised to find that they had erased his entire catalogue. Confessed one editor: ‘Once we trimmed out all the references to fat, ugly and annoying characters, we were left with ‘they lived happily ever after’ and a doodle of peach.’


Complained an avid fan: ‘Who wants to read ‘Charlie and the Vegan Allotment’, ‘The moderately impressive, non-gender specific fox’ or ‘Danny, just another symbol of the patriarchy’? Some art is meant to be provocative; if I wanted something bland and inoffensive I’d have commissioned a nativity play starring James Corden.’


Dahl’s rewritten texts will feature perfectly lovely people being perfectly lovely to each other – where the only villain is Jordan Peterson. The editor said: ‘The title of ‘The Twits’ was already toned down from ‘The ClusterF$ckers’ – or the ‘Brexiteers’ for short.’



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