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PM denies Houses of Parliament are ‘institutionally corrupt’



Despite mild criticism of UK politicians in recent days / weeks / months / years / centuries, PM Rishi Sunak denies that both the UK Chambers (and bastions) of democracy are in any way institutionally corrupt. a spokesperson for the PM, explained:-


“Use of the word ‘institutionally’ is unhelpful because it politicises what is really down to a few individual rotten apples.


"Yes I admit there have been isolated instances of illegal payments for lobbying. And sexual harassment. And photo-copier abuse. And bullying. And ignoring Covid lock-down rules and lying to Parliament. And religious bigotry. And awarding lucrative Covid contracts to chums without tendering. And anti-semitism. And using ‘imaginative’ tax-avoidance schemes. And sucking up to Russian oligarchs (and their money).


"But I don’t think we should concentrate on a few minor misdemeanours. What the public really wants to know is how I am making the UK great again. This is of course not easy after 12 years of Tory misrule – oops I meant challenging global trading conditions.


"However after the four previous lazy, deadbeat, incompetent, ‘economical with the truth’ and batshit incumbents, voters will hopefully realise the sunlit uplands are just around the corner”.


First published 30 March 2023




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2024 confirmed as 'stupidest year ever'



The Central Intelligence Agency has confirmed that 2024 is the stupidest year on record.  The past ten years have all been in the top ten, in an extraordinary run of record-breaking stupidity.


2024 saw some incidents of spectacular stupidity, including the election of Donald Trump, the claim that Navalny died of natural causes, Rishi Sunak announcing an election in the pouring rain, Glasgow’s disastrous ‘Willy Wonka Experience’, Raygun’s breakdancing at the Olympics, dynamic ticket pricing fails for that Oasis gig, Rachel Reeves 'boosting growth' by raising business taxes by £40bn and Keir’s call for the ‘return of the sausages’.


The greatest contribution to an increasingly stupid work was made by one man.  His actions and pronouncements have single-handedly moved the dial on global stupidity – Donald Trump.  His contributions in 2024 included claims that migrants were eating pets, magnets don’t work underwater, and Hannibal Lecter was a great man. And a bizarre speech about Arnold Palmer’s manhood.


Academics now concerned that the planet can never return to the average levels of stupidity in 1850-1900.   But the UK government is refusing to fund research into increasing stupidity levels, in case anyone makes fun of them.


Experts are unable to agree on the root causes of increasing stupidity, which are thought to include too much screen time, alternative facts, dumb things on social media, ultra processed foods, declining educational standards, global warming, artificial intelligence, chatbots, the dark web, brain rot, and GB News.

Sunak’s new policy: Levelling Down



After discovering that it might take more than a refurbished leisure centre and some new library books to bring the North up to the same levels of affluence as the South, Rishi Sunak has decided to give up on the project and impoverish the South instead.


‘We thought “the North” was just Birmingham’, explained a Conservative Party spokesman. ‘Turns out it’s fucking massive. It would cost hundreds of billions to do a decent job and that money is already earmarked for, well, us. So the new plan is to improve equality by Levelling Down’.


Sunderland has been chosen as the benchmark city. Every town which is poorer than Sunderland will be literally levelled and every town or city with average wealth levels higher than Sunderland will be gradually impoverished through the usual Government policies until the whole country achieves uniformity.


‘Except the Home Counties, obviously’ said the spokesman. ‘And parts of London. The good bits.’



image from pixabay


First published 1 Feb 2023


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