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A spokesman said, 'The recent riots have been very disappointing. It seems that no-one has paid any attention to our earlier reports on civil unrest in England, and that no lessons have been learned.
'OfRiot assesses civil unrest against four key criteria – quality, behaviour and attitude, personal development and leadership and management.
'Quality issues seem to persist in English riots. The issues raised are poorly articulated and not well-supported with evidence. There appears to be little democratic mandate for protest – the protestors are very much in a minority. Their demands are unrealistic, poorly articulated, and poorly presented. Do these people not know how to make a banner or a poster? It's all very disappointing – we barely seemed to have moved on from the riots in the 70s. We have therefore rated quality as inadequate.
'Behaviour and attitude is also inadequate. The protestors' attitude is very poor. They seem less concerned with making their point, or arguing for alternatives, and more concerned with drinking, shouting and chucking stuff. Do they actually care about the issue, or do they just want a fight? Their clothing does not suggest that they are taking the protests seriously – it's all just dirty t-shirts with faded logos of 70s heavy metal bands covering beer guts. We honestly thought we'd moved on from throwing beer cans, casual arson and fist waving. It's hardly Socratic dialogue, is it?
'We are also seriously concerned about personal development. None of those attending the protests is likely to achieve any personal growth. The protestors do not appear to have been properly briefed and have little understanding of the intended benefits of rioting. The most likely outcomes are getting whacked by riot police, or getting fined, or ending up in chokey. Do they still call it chokey?
'The only area of assessment which is above the bottom rating is leadership and management. The organisation by social media does show a passable understanding of communication and marketing basics. The organisers have used social media to reasonable effect, despite appearing unclear who their target audience is. However, the protests have been poorly organised on the ground, with few stewards, no hi-viz jackets, and no loud hailers. Hardly anyone remembered to bring aerosol paint. Transport to the events has been poor, with protestors scraping together petrol money and travelling together in old Transit vans or dodging fares on the train. There is no review of lessons learned after each riot, and no improvement plan. This is hopeless, amateurish stuff.
Our overall assessment is 'Inadequate'. It's clear that massive improvements are required if the group are to stand any chance of achieving their objectives. And they will have to wait until they get out of chokey.'
Following a week of 24-hour prosecutions for inciting violence online, for setting fire to wheelie bins then jumping headfirst and for intercepting bricks with the head and gonads the Crown Prosecution Service is changing its focus.
'We believe we need to show a balanced approach to this situation,' said a spokesman today, 'which is why we're not pursuing Nigel Farage, Richard Tice and Laurence Fox but instead targeting some of the more moderate posts regarding this outbreak of anti-social behaviour,' he added.
As a result, 23-year-old Stacy from Hexham is in front of magistrates tomorrow for posting 'you OK hun?' on Twitter. 'Absolutely pitched to garner a pile-on of similar platitudes,' explained the spokesman. He also identified Jason from Northallerton who has been seen on social media helping with the clean-up following recent riots near his home. 'It's a volatile situation and do-gooders like this are likely to inflame the situation. Likely to be custodial sentence for that one,' he added.
About two thousand fire-fighters are nervously waiting to see if they're next for the knock from the Old Bill.
Image: Newsbiscuit
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