Bath nights just weren't the same since the Lush incident

'Campest crime ever' as man loots bath bombs from Lush

A rioter in Hull who used the civil disorder to loot bath bombs from a branch of Lush has been accused of committing 'surely the campest crime in history'.

John Honey (yes, really) was appearing in Hull’s Crown Court when the judge made his remarks.

'We normally find that men experience a surge of testosterone during situations like this,' said Mr Justice Gobshite. 'But not you, apparently. I suspect the closest you ever come to testosterone is sniffing other men’s underpants on washing lines. Probably drinking a babycham with your little finger in the air while you do it.'

'Frankly you deserve a custodial sentence, but I doubt even a women’s prison would take you.'

Sociologists also pronounced themselves baffled by his behaviour. 'We’ve been aware of toxic masculinity for a while, but this… we don’t have a name for this.'

After summing up, the judge sentenced Honey to be beaten about the head with a handbag, while wearing last season’s colours to make it even more humiliating.

Image: Wix AI

Two Tier Keir actually contains multitudes

Keir Starmer, recently voted Prime Minister and also voted the man most likely to be a regional manager for a medium sized logistics company, has been accused of implementing two tier policing.

Angry man Bob Bridlington shouted 'Nothing says I love my country – the bits with white people in anyway – like stealing bath bombs from a branch of Lush. It’s not like I stole actual bombs. All I did was commit a crime, with my face clearly visible on the recording I made and then posted to social media. Then I was arrested because Starmer deleted the Magna Carta and I had to plead guilty in court, so I'm going to jail. It's outrageous and it’s all Two Tier Keir’s fault.'

Lawyer Naveed Nasir said 'If black or brown people started smashing up town centres up and down the UK, there would be a shoot-to-kill order in 15 minutes. If they were Muslims, more like 15 seconds. And none of these white rioters have died in suspicious circumstances whilst in police custody. It's outrageous and it’s all Two Tier Keir's fault.'

A statement from 10 Downing Street pleaded for greater dullness. The statement acknowledged that the words 'Keir' and 'tier' did rhyme, but noted that Keir took a more responsible attitude to tiers than Boris Johnson or Liz Truss.

Labour intern Jodie Johnston added 'Sssh. The PM has finished reorganising his sock drawer and now he’s having his cocoa. That’s enough excitement for one day.'

Image: Wix AI