87% of Russians vote for Putin. 13% vote for life in Siberia

In a landslide victory, the majority of Russians voted not to be killed by nerve agent. Said one citizen: 'On the one hand I could have voted for a change of government, on the other hand, I prefer my hands attached at the wrist.

'Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of democracy, but I also like my kneecaps unbroken. I just wanted to vote for the pro-life candidate - my life, that is.'

Post-election the 13% were given time to consider the error of their ways and set their affairs in order. The Kremlin announced: 'Voting is important and opposition is vital. How else can know how many prison cells we need?'

Kremlin issues election guidance to Tories

‘Dear Western Imperialist scum. Sorry, force of habit.

Dear Rishi Sunak. Unlike me, you might struggle to get 87% of the votes in your own house.

Have you tried imprisoning and then killing Keir Starmer? It’s not like there would be a popular uprising on his behalf. Half of his own party would offer to stick the knife in themselves. You could portray it as red on red violence and have them all sent to a hideous, desolate penal colony, like the Isle of Wight.

Ed Davey can be the minor party candidate that means you’re not technically unopposed.

Why am I helping you? Well, having the UK floundering in chaos is helpful for Moscow, so we’re big fans of yours. Please continue laundering our money, especially my pension.

Kisses, Vlad.’

Putin unveiled as winner of 2024 Russian election

After Russian President Vladimir Putin announced he will stand again for a fifth term in office next year, the Russian media immediately announced Mr Putin as the landslide winner.

'It is a very busy time of the year,' a Russian media agency told us, 'we might as well get this out of the way now. He's won about 80-85% of the vote too. Incredible really.'

The Russian media is overwhelmingly part of Putin Empire so this reporting is also seen as a cost cutting measure.

'There is a special military operation going on, you know", an unnamed official told us, "every rouble counts! We don't want to be spending money on an expensive election campaign when we can give that money to President Pu......errr our brave soldiers in Ukraine.'