The slap up fish supper

Fast food joint: 'Your heart disease looks exactly like the photo'

A generic burger chain’s terrifying cartoon mascot has fired back against criticisms that its food looks nothing like the adverts.

'Calling us a fast food restaurant leaves the word "restaurant" doing a lot of heavy lifting - much like the chairs in our outlets have to.'

'Of course your burger looks nothing like the one in the portrait - that's the burger of Dorian Gray. Our employees earn minimum wage. Our food has minimal nutritional content. Remember the horse meat scandal? At least that was meat.'

'Your chubby children belong to us now. Our free toys, empty calories and sugary drinks have seduced them. Maybe your self-respect is hiding underneath your second extra large portion of chips. No? Third portion's the charm.'

'Don’t worry, our food won't kill you - not immediately. Eat up!'

Photo by Tetiana Shevereva on Unsplash

Good vet gets plate of lamb cutlets back on its feet

Diners at a Liverpool Street bistro looked on in utter disbelief as a good vet got a plate of lamb cutlets back on its feet again.

Hedge Fund Investor, Tim Shannon, ordered Cannon of Lamb cooked medium-rare. He said: ‘I'm not squeamish but when it came it was almost swimming in blood. I mentioned to my colleague “a good vet could get that back on its feet again" and with that all hell broke loose.

‘Some chap shouts out, "stand back, I’m a vet!” He then shoos us away from our table and erects a makeshift screen around it using a few tablecloths.

‘We hear a bit of puffing and panting, then to everyone’s amazement a bleating sound. Next thing we see is the chap emerging from behind the screen carrying this beautiful fluffy lamb.’

Restaurant Proprietor, Gyles Pettigrew, told reporters. ‘It was amazing and publicity has done us no harm.'

When asked how the lamb was doing after the ordeal, Pettigrew added: 'Oh, the little fellow is just fine. He’s out the back in the freezer preparing to guest star in Wednesday's Gourmet Evening.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/elsemargriet-1614842/