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First published 6 Feb 2022



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Fantasy Government League - Tory Disunited




The next round of Fantasy Government League is already causing a lot of head-scratching for the manager of the Tory footer XI.


First of these is who to nominate as captain. Doubling up your points for that MP is normally seen as a positive thing. But if your selected player ends up with a negative score, twice that is worse than ever. So, do they stick with Sunak, or switch to a new captain? There are no guarantees. But then again, a real wildcard might just be the answer to their shortage of goals. Oh, if only they'd kept hold of that charismatic little tousle-haired blonde American lad. He might have been able to knock up a few.


Even if that problem is solved the next issue is can they field a full team? Many of the regular squad have already announced their unavailability at the end of this season. Others have suffered injuries - mainly shooting themselves in the foot. And several have been given red cards, meaning automatic suspensions. The usual response to this situation is to buy replacement players. But who would join a relegation-threatened side with further points deductions looming due to financial irregularities? Things have come to a pretty pass indeed when the Premier League is the moral arbiter of the Government.


Finally, if enough players can be found, it's not often that a team lines up with an unconventional 10-0-0 formation. No attacking forwards, no midfield strategists, and simply ten bodies from the supporters' club pressed in to service as makeshift defenders. Where, oh where, is that big red Brexit campaign vehicle? If ever there were a time to 'park the bus' this surely is it. A £350 million bribe to the Saudi league buys you nothing these days!

"Stop sending us these freaks!" plead residents of the Chiltern Hundreds


'I know where we live is only a desolate patch of bogland somewhere to the south of Aylesbury," said a spokesman for the residents of the Chiltern Hundreds, 'but we were happy here.

'That's until Parliament started trucking in a series of freaks and misfits to be our 'Steward and Bailiff'. Apparently, that's the law. If you want out of the Commons, you have to come and run this place. 'The first steward creature was a blond-haired, scruffy kind of orangutang which lurched around the place brandishing a champagne bottle and touching people for money.' "Come on, chaps!" it'd say. "Help out an old Tory toff when he's on his uppers! Some of us have wallpaper bills to pay!" 'But he was a pussy cat compared to our current Steward and Bailiff. 'She's spent the past week staggering through the village lanes swigging Jägerbombs, spray-painting walls with graffiti saying "Rishi is a bummer", flicking V-signs at passers-by and screaming 'I should be a bleeding Lady!' at the top of her lungs. 'And I've had a tip-off that the next degenerate to be foisted on us is Matt Hancock. 'I swear that if he sets foot here, we'll string him up. It's the only language these political deadbeats understand.'

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